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letra de a(way) is not an option - matana roberts

the boys and i had been in the city for a few months
it was cooler here
and since they were not yet of school age i felt no hurry to return back to the house
he did come up to see us, but only to double down on his demands
i don’t know where my head was at
but i had been reading a few things that, you know
gave me some hope around my plate
change was in the air
women would live to see a better time

i was absolutely deflated when only a few weeks after we had left
i was up early with the sickness
started to learn that i was again with child
i tried to see the god in that moment
a sign giving me this new bind to turn the tide
walk back to the home we share in forgiveness and return to my stead

maybe i could walk the line to look the other way like his own mother was doing
and had been doing for years

well, the gossip beat me to my return
i had apparently become the talk
i thought he and his family would be happy to see that i had decided to stay committed to my duty
but they held me in such suspicion
he himself declaring that he didn’t even know if the child was his
as if i had any time to cat around while looking after our two little ones
this hurt me
and i was not thinking clearly, so i picked up the boys and we left again
it was to be the last time
i was in a very bad predicament
the year was 1925 and though many things had changed for us
a few things were still quite choked up
i could not pick up my teaching duties, being in the family way
and mamma and daddy did not have the resources to help me try to hide away until i could not be so unwell

so i did the most resourceful thing i could do: i look into possible futures
liza, who had 13 and was sick with depression that she was about to have her 14th, was caught in the stable drinking [?]
luckily she didn’t die and nor did the child, but her husband committed her to the bend because of the supposed madness she had post her delivery
he had also caught her pleasuring herself and just knew there was something wrong and wouldn’t it be worthy
she never was the same after that

i’d heard about a combination of herbs a root woman was making
but i could not get to her in time and [?] told me it did not always work
and so one day out of sheer desperation and a bubbling sadness
letting my anxieties get the best of me
i devised a plan
at the library there was a long enough staircase that, if i positioned myself just right, i could roll down the steps accidentally ending my predicament in a matter of minutes
i wasn’t showing just yet and it sounded like a feasible option

and so i did just that
the pain was unbearable, the bleeding was profuse, but i thought that was a good sign, that all had worked
and eventually the bleeding did stop…
however a few days later i was in a terrible pain
and i couldn’t hide it from mom, and i told her what i had done
she called the doctor right away
they didn’t know i was electric, alive, spirited, fired and free
my spirit overshadowing, my dreams too bombastic
my eyes too bright and my laugh… too true
my name is your name, our name is their name
we are named
we remember, they forget

my name is your name, our name is their name
we are named, we remember, they forget
my name is your name, our name is their name
we are named, we remember, they forget

- matana roberts

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