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letra de unreleased monologue - lllandstm

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and i’m manic in the night

f-ck trying to think i can’t think cuz there”s screaming in my mind

get out of my head there was nothing in my head

i sit inside of my regret

who is behind my movements

i think i need a doctor all i do is forget

all i do is forgot

but i don’t have to regret

didn’t know the journey but i think i’m walking it

to put my life together i’m just pieces in a pit

i burn inside the pit

by the way i hate you b-tch

i’m manic in the night i want to make love to my cabinet
you’re my cabinet

look me in the eyes

i don’t want you to cry

oh fine please cry

i liek the way you cry

i hate the way you lied

now you”re stuck inside my life
let me abuse just one time

look at what you did to me

i couldn’t even cry

i bang my head against the wall i didn’t know
it made them like – me

god please show me light

if you do not want me to die…
i can’t really tell i know it doesn’t matter if i do not know much

but i’m getting lost in thought

i don’t know what really to say

can you hear the voice inside of my head
what i imaginate

please let me be your canvas

of blood and spit and lipstick

i’m on the street again
neighbors look at me like who is it

you couldn’t even see my face

if i can’t even see my face

i look up in the mirror i can’t recognize this place

my family’s disgrace

but they don’t really see me anyway
don’t mess up your last chance

there must be truth in these religions

so i’m back to here again

my pupils expanden

f-ck it take this acid i’ll just go insane again

cuz i doubt my own d-mn head

you made me doubt my head

i didn’t listen to my mom i just f-cking went ahead

i should have played with clay

playdough on the walls

crayons in my skin

blood marks on my skin

itch the healing off

blood all o nthe floors

think it’s hardwood floors

i f-cking need you back

i need to learn my love

i was just way too young

curiosity k!lled the cat

that’s how people die

they make those accidents

i think i made those accidents

i won”t ever record this sh-t

too many people in my house

can’t even trust my own actions

come get me out

i’m all f-cking alone

i’m in antarctica

i think i might be bipolar but i think that’s all a scam

do they want all our money

push your lies inside my head

and from there i f-cking cram

i lose it and i overreact
i go way too far wih it

every illness i nthe book

n0boy is f-cking perfect

i don’t see this world is real

i don’t know all my impact

i can barely f-cking feel

i can’t touch the walls around me

cuz they remind me off you

they remind me of your body

they remind me of your smell

this house is a video game

in like 2000 and 12

i see the xbox logo

look at me and laugh at me as a i struggle

and now p-ssy wants to fight

would i be cool if i won the fight

would i have love from everyone

to hate myself and live in 1

f-ck this whole world full of disorders

dimentia plagues me like a b-tch

i can’t be demennted

i need some help i hope it is

life was never real since

i think that’s just really how it is

i think i’m losing all my words

i’m only gaining brain damage

send me right back to hrosham

i’ll be out the next d-mn day

so many familiar faces but i can’t tell they’ve gone away

i’m just a f-cking piece of filth

corroding in your f-cking house

make my way in to your life, f-ck it up, then dis a pate right back out

demons inside of my mind

possess me to think these thoughts

i could prove it right to you

but it’s not f-cking 2 o clock

who am i even talking to

do you know i wrote like 300 of these too???

but i can’t f-cking recording this sh-t because i simply don’t f-cking care

i can’t remember anyway

i don’t know how to react in the first place

plus like everybody’s here
i just wis hthey went away

when i’m alone i”m not happy

i’m so f-cking bored come take me away

i feel good when i stimulate

stuck inside a mental prison so i can’t tell you my name

but if you see me out i’m cool

i promise you im okay

wait you didnt even ask

you just like me for my face

f-ck it i might punch my face

go ahead f-cking judge me mane

go ahead judge me for my actions

wonder how your life has been

are you f-cking happy now

i just f-cking k!lle dmyself

do it on ig live

so you can laugh and postit now

so you can laugh at post it now (scream)
so you can laugh and post it nowwww

f-cking laugh into my faceee

f-cking humilate meee

humiliate everything about me

im not happy one f-cking bit

i’d rather show your face my d-ck

and cram it in your f-cking eye

is this my urge just let me die

am i possed by those i love

am i possesed by those i love

escaoe my heart it’s beating fast

i can listen to this loop for f-cking hours

i feel the worst when i’m in class

i’m panicking when i show up to this school

i panick at the smell of chemicals

don’t give me cancer help me god

is it planning my f-cking loss

i need to be someone beore it’s gone

i need to make my momma proud

my momma hates me either way

don’t talk that sh-t on my f-cking name

i don’t know who she is anymore

my dad is lying right to my face

maybe no one here is d-mn real

i think i was abducted by something

and placed in a surreal world

when it’s winter it’s not even real

how many times have i said this sh-t

i told your ass im losing words

remember all those beautiful words

well f-ck them now i use these verbs

try to read i can not focus

try to look it won’t adhere

i hate your face and what you pull

you know all of my f-cking fears

you garbage piece of f-cking sh-t

i can’t believe i trusted you

if i see his face in public

swear his face will d-mn meet my shoe

i’m all alone they don’t know how i feel

i pray i don’t crack last second though

when i was younger i loved this world

now i’m older i fear it goes

now i’m older i’m just a fraction

this has not been f-cking fun

at least i feel a little normal

but i’m stuck in a f-cking hole

where the f-ck is blue

probably f-cked up off his hate

where the f-ck is b where’s bray

he’s f-cked up off the wae

prolly f-cked up on the a

or prolly f-cked up about the a

i remember i saw a
i just wanna give a tase

god but a-b she was great

she was demon i could swear

she ruined my whole d-mn life

f-ck her face just f-ck her face

record it f-ck her face
save for lae
just save for lae

either i lie to myself or this is my way

to gain full control and rule my ways

i set some rules you follow me

i used to be a king that way

but today i’m a peasant i guess

why not f-cking find my way

fine i guess i’ll find my way

delete the pictures from yesterday

start fresh if it is today

stop going back to those thoughts that take you away from me

i learned how to ignore thoughts

please just keep my judgment strong

otherwise i might just fall apart

delusions making me think so wrong

will i be punished for living a lie

telling a lie

who f-cking knows

god must love me i’m sure he knows

i bet he knows when i die i’ll know

please don’t go

i miss her please

i don’t want to lose my mom

don’t want to lose my family

but i can’t feel a single thing

trauma engulfing all me

i know you’re hurt don’t follow me

because i won’t help you anything

i’ll use you then i’ll tell you to leave

but maybe you can stay with me

make sure it works properly

it wil come if you beleive

then you can swalllow my f-cking seeed

i ask blue ‘what’s happening to me’

“i dont know bro i’m still high on weed’

“blue what the f-ck is happening to meeee’

“bro are you okay what do you need youre scaring me’

i do this all the f-cking time

so i guess this is what i deserve this time

because everyone i loved i pushed them away and they know above

you showed me nothing but love

i went and messed it up

i wanted to watch you cut

i wanted to see you… uhghh

im learning everyghing wrong

i swear this weekend is too long

i’ve been listening for like 3 hours and i still can;t hear this melody

they stare and then shake their heads at me

either my heart dies or i get up and burn – you

maybe i should drink some water

im f-cking frothing at the mouth

don’t turn the f-cking light off

i don’t know why just don’t turn it off

i need the light inside my life

so many painful thoughts in my head

so i can’t put them in a song

it would be admirable if i could
i wasted time on this dumb b-tch

so i don’t deserve any recoginiion

i worked my life and when it counted i f-cked it up

i just have to return now i guess

cuz im like only 16 or sh-t

but i might be 17

hahah i like lying you b-tch

cuz im truamatized and sh-t

mever open up im p-ssed

don’t think i want you hurt

i want to see you covered in my p-ss

put my d-ck an inch away

from your arm

soak your shirt

with my cum

throb and throb

in your arm

thrust and thrust

in your armmmm

look down to me

i want to feel

look up to me

i’ll run awayyyy

i swear there’s something wrong with me

try to fix it
but the thought doesn’t really f-ck it does ithuh

i want to be on f-cking drugs

but i’m not even on f-cking drugs

violate my f-cking brain

adderall in my f-cking veins

this generation must be doomed

the answer isn’t coming any day

who knows maybe it is heyyy

maybe it is okay okay

i’m too impatient to finish anything that i make

satan satan satan satan

stay the f-ck away

satan stay away from may

but come heregive me some energy

it’s an accident okay

don’t playwith demons they don’t play

she don’t play

i was on the bench she f-cked her way on top of mayy

i think i was f-cking raped

i can not remember anyway

i hate myself so much

but this money really makes me love me

i love being in the mall

i think i tell myself it too much

i went from all in all in one

to floating to the f-ckign sun

you see me i;m scattered everywhere

my head is scattered everywhere

look at my room for one second

that is my head so there you goa

i might be schizo i don’t know

i really have no f-cking clue

holy sh-t i f-cked my head on pills

i can’t believe that’s what i do

i need this help i need this help

what is my problem help

f-ckk f-ckk f-ckk rhyming

i’m going to go beat my f-cking life outttt

and cum all on the counters
fantasize my whole night

of a place with you and me

and a time we go out at night

a new one not the f-cking old

new hoe not old hoe

not a hoe let’s f-cking get married

yes i know i know i know

let’s have a family tomorrow

with all our friends and who we love

i try to feel f-cking love

i can not feel no f-cking love

god if youre listening i think

i just did a ritual

i f-cking hate rituals

don’t k!ll me for doing rituals

i’m ocd i label that

i’m not your average f-cking f-ggot

cuz your average f-cking f-ggot acts like everyone and likes it

i would rather be f-cking different

k!ll me if i feel indifferent

stop talking my ear off b-tch

i don’t give a f-ck about your opinions

i want to bleed on the cement

only if it’s white pavement

outside of the f-cking right aid

with the hero-in addicts

that’s the path i’m headed in

do my dreams mean nothing then

i’m not anymore a kid

play video games make it last still

i wanna f-ck you good

but your boyfriend is with you

he is not nice to himself

he does not deserve you

everyone is strugglan

so maybe we’re work in proress

bexey said that about him

i like bexey so much man

jesus he’s like magic man

people comfort me i guess

but i meet a lot of strangers

i just want to toy with them

but i’m fair so let’s take turns

i like to hear your heart beat burn

put your heart up to my ear

feel it beat right through your chest

feel it on my ear that’s best

tits are warm i want them yess

s-x s-x s-x s-x s-x s-x s-x

see you naked in my bed

i’m a perv there’s no patching that

i’m a perv f-ck hiding that

i’m disordered like demons man

god won;t forgive you if it’s that

i was stuck in my delusions then

if i told you howi felt

would you still f-cking lvoe me then

no body ever wanna love me because i’m f-cking evil man

im too paranoid to eat candy

but you know im the candy man

i got acid he got xan

so come on come buy it then

come drown me in money come drown me in violence

so i feel love and forget about it

i’m restless can’t stop moving man

i feel no inspiration then

i’m disordered cuz i tried it once

i got even crazier man

don’t make an example out of me

sh-t that reoccurs in my head

i want your tits inside my mouth

ughh wait you have a family then…

if i was talking like this

around them around them

what would they think of me i guess

i guess i’m f-cking crazy then

i lost my sk!lls i lose it then

so what i make it back again

i stay strong i guess that’s what i know

more people should i know tht ilove them

i wanna kiss come kiss again

tennis court come kiss again

was with her it was 10

she took my lips but we were friends

we were just friends

she was just friends

i met her then

i had no friends

i took her heart i broke it then

what were we thinking we were younger then …

i’m disgusting then

my mom was disgusted too

my mom knew i knew she knew

i knew she did to you

i was a king you wanted to be my queen

you were no queen i was no king

i live in a world of imagination

promsie you’ll feel it if you come with me

but a-b she set fire to me

along with my whole kingdom i suppose

so what it’s admirable if built again

yeah but everything’s already there though right

maybe not maybe i just found an answer

but to burn the rest down i couldn’t even f-cking figure

maybe patch the rest i guess

i guess that will make it less a mess

a designated place to rest

if it’s not there it won’t be met

im so sleepy yet im so energetic

why am i awake when it’s night again

maybe i push and push and y brai n turns on
and the next day i’m f-cking exhausted

f-ck writing wrods i’m done wth this

f-cking being alone i’m done with this

just give me time i’ll fix myself

just give me time i’ll fix, fix m-myslef

- lllandstm

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