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letra de the mystery of the squarest country - jay foreman

[intro, spoken: jay and mark]
someone’s emailed us asking which country’s shape is most like a square
what a stupid question
totally pointless… slovakia?
no
georgia?
no… bangladesh?
no, bangladesh looks like a wizard
you think everything looks like a wizard… ghana?
too long
north macedonia?
too round
liberia?
no
malaysia?
jay, malaysia is not a square
but there must be one somewhere

but not in oman or the uae
and yemen’s more a rectangle
yes, i can see
russia’s nothing like a square
too long as far as i’m aware
mali starts off strongly, but right here it goes to pot
burkina faso is irregular, four-sided it is not
hmm… italy’s a boot
so is papua new guinea
what about benin and togo?
no, they’re both far too skinny
what about these little countries, costa rica, lebanon?
there’s no square in singapore, brunei, mauritius or gabon
[song: jay and mark, both]
kuwait looks like a little thumb, madagascar looks quite lean
burundi looks quite like a heart, qatar looks like a bean
india’s a diamond and slovenia’s a splot
cuba’s very long and thin and both koreas are short and squat

mozambique has got too many sides, uzbekistan as well
little paraguay’s no paradigm, mauritania’s an l
and malawi’s like a seahorse, guinea-bissau’s a weathered rock
and nauru’s nearly a circle and somalia’s a sock

france is famously a hexagon, that fact is quite well known
but it’s not the only one, it’s joined by sierra leone
what about these landlocked countries like nepal or south sudan?
they’re not square and nor are denmark, finland, china, or iran

luxembourgers are all squares which their borders don’t reflect
and australia’s a cat-dog, and j-pan we must reject
guatemala has two squarish sides in this bit in the north
but it won’t meet our criteria cause it needs a third and fourth

timor l’est? doesn’t pass the test
moldova? guinea? don’t be silly
little rwanda? doesn’t stand a hope in h-ll
nor does israel
are we seriously going to go through every country?
yes, i think it’s important

both the usa and canada have squares in large amounts
but we’re only counting countries and states don’t count
poland would look like a square if it invaded to the south
kazakhstan looks like a turtle with a leaf stuck in its mouth

despite a square’s efficiency, the germans don’t come close
and peru is like a resting dog, guyana’s like a ghost
ethiopia and switzerland look like potato wedges
norway, sweden and new zealand all have far too crinkly edges

if you have a lot of coastline then your sides will not be straight
so the squareness of the philippines, greece and ireland won’t be great
tajikistan’s quite funky, as is elephant head shaped thailand
there’s no square in indonesia’s eighteen thousand tiny islands

if your country’s made of islands then a square you’ll never be
there are loads of island nations that are mostly empty sea:

trinidad and tobago, st vincent and the grenadines, the solomon islands, the seych-lles
the maldives, micronesia, fiji, the marshall islands, st. kitts and nevis
sao tome and principe, the bahamas, cape verdi, tonga, vanuatu

the netherlands is flat, although its edges do not fit
and the following are countries with a sticky outy bit:
there’s afghanistan, namibia, the drc’s got two
there’s ukraine, venezuela, eritrea, cyprus and kosovooo
is morocco square?
no, it’s more a stair
kiribati?
not square alas
senegal?
not square at all
san marino?
san mari-no

the c.a.r. so near, so far, botswana’s like a flounder
chad looks like jay leno, eswatini couldn’t be rounder
mongolia looks like a bat, the congo’s kind of foxy
myanmar’s like a genie and not even slightly boxy

belize has one edge here that’s straight but this bit’s rather lumpy
algeria and kenya are pentagons, honduras is too bumpy
sri lanka’s like a raindrop, kyrgyzstan’s a bird in flight
while iraq and jordan’s lines are straight, the angles just aren’t right

colombia’s kind of squarish though its borders are quite rough
and iberia would pass but spain alone’s not square enough
if bolivia expanded, then a square it just might be
nicaragua would look square if you viewed it in 3d

little liechtenstein and the argentines are not square in the least
the dominican republic, that just tapers to the east
lesotho’s sort of squarish but the angle’s on the wonk
cameroon is like a chicken with a huge badonkadonk

mexico?
no, no, no, no
portugal
too thin, too tall
the saudis?
too much on a slant
the vatican?
the vati-can’t

listing every country by its shape is not an easy job
when inevitably loads of them look only like a blob
so to make things more efficient, as i’m sure you’ve got the gist
here are all blobby countries in a quick compiled list:

andorra, antigua and barbuda, austria, barbados, belgium, belarus, bhutan, bosnia and herzegovina
cambodia, czechia, djibouti, dominica, estonia, granada, hungary, iceland, latvia, lithuania, romania, serbia
st. lucia, tanzania, uruguay, zimbabwe

samoa’s like a b-tterfly whose wings have been removed
but add ecuador and bahrain, and it’s massively improved
little monaco’s so tiny you can see the piers within
chile’s very very very very very
long and thin

uganda cannot be a square because of all the lakes
the gambia, vietnam and panama all look like snakes
haiti, croatia and zambia all have shapes that wrap around
syria’s just a bit too slopey, and el salvador’s too long

that doesn’t rhyme

palau looks like a jellyfish, pakistan looks like a duck
azerbaijan looks like a bird that’s been run over by a truck
this monkey is armenian, this shooting star’s laotian
jamaica, malta and niger are creatures from the ocean

greenland’s not a real country even though it’s really big
the uk looks like an old witch sitting sideways on a pig

comoros would if it were glued
some parts of tuvalu look rude
turkmenistan looks like something or another
tunisia and albania look like each other

south africa’s too wobbly, bulgaria’s too n0bbly
brazil is too triangular, turkey is too rectangular

now the only countries left are ones whose squareness are the best
if you know which ones are coming we’re incredibly impressed
little montenegro’s square if you rotate it some degrees
south sudan has left behind a very square north sudanese
the angles in angola mean it’s nearly good to go
and nigeria comes close, although it bulges down below
libya is nearly square, it’s more a parallelogram
and cote d’ivoire and suriname do well in our exam
equatorial guinea’s very square but unfortunately
since its capital’s on an island, then the squarest it can’t be

so the winner of our contest
fitting all our tight prescriptions
it’s the squarest of the squarest
the nation of the pharaohs
the land of cleopatra
the country where the sphinx is
it’s the land of the egyptiaaaaans!

[outro, spoken: jay and mark]
any more interesting emails come in?
there’s one asking for every capital city in the world
d’oh, that would have made a much better song

- jay foreman

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