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letra de dysphoric jam session 3 - cut me some slack

i cut my hair so i could shower easily because the daunting act of washing my hair paralysed me
i wasn’t able, i wasn’t able to shower consistently and i’ll be honest i’m still not but at least it’s a little easier now

i tried to grow out my facial hair as a way of showing that i think had conquered all of my insecurities
but like a house of cards, i caved under the pressure
i fell apart

i wasn’t able to commit, i wasn’t able to commit
and it looked weird on me and hey

and i’m realising that my voice has started sounding differently
i’m not sure if it’s deeper or if i’ve changed the tone
i’m not sure what it is, i’m not sure what it is
but it sounds different
and it’s making it so much harder to pass, it feels
and i don’t want to pass, but at the same time i hate being f-cking misgendered, at the same time i hate being misgendered
at the same time, i hate being misgendered

no matter how hard i try, it seems i’ll never be able to pass
and it’s making it easier to just say f-ck it, f-ck it, f-ck it

but what about all of my dysphoria?
what about the, what about the crushing sense of dread i get every time i look in the mirror
i just want to beat the f-cking sh-t out of that stupid reflection

and it’s getting so much harder, it’s getting so much harder
to just keep going on day by day
i look forward to being eighteen
so i can just get on that f-cking pill
i look forward to being able to change my name but there’s so many hiccups in my path and it seems it’ll never happen, it’ll never happen

and i don’t know if that’s me being logical or if that’s just the doomsday thinking coming around
i don’t know if that’s me being logical or if that’s just my doomsday thinking

and i, have lost, the motivation to keep trying
because no matter what i do
i’m still, i’m still seen as a guy
everyone, everyone is still f-cking misgendering me
it feels like it’s going to happen more behind my back now
now that i’ve got short hair, short hair and stuble
short hair, short hair and stuble
my voice just keeps getting deeper
my voice just keeps on changing
and i don’t think i, i don’t think i know how to stop it
and i’m gonna be used as a talking point in transphobic rhetoric because i don’t act like a girl
and i don’t seem to want to be one either
i don’t dress like one, i don’t dress like one
because i’m so sick and tired of conforming to f-cking cis-normative standards

i’ll never meet your standards

and i’m tired of trying
i’m tired of trying and beating myself up over it
i’m tired of beating myself up over it
i’m tired of beating myself up over it

and this song, and this song
will be sung with so much effort
and so much determination
and i will sing it ’till my lungs give out
because that’s all i know how to do anymore
yeah, that’s all i know how to do anymore

i’ve got broad shoulders still
and i’m still taller than the average girl
and i still have beards that just keep growing back if i don’t shave them off my face
and i’m still flat chested
and i still sound like this and i still look like that
no matter what i do; it’s never enough
so i guess i’ll just keep going and stop giving such a f-ck
stop giving such a f-ck

- cut me some slack

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