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letra de survivor's guilt - cj anfernee

[verse 1]:
dissatisfied, sick of strategizing my mother’s future
my efforts and achievements will comfort a better suitor
a monthly cheque already f-cked faster than a quickie
the family failed already. i’m sick of feeling guilty
sole breadwinner moving to a different island
in any one, i could lose my life to fatuous violence
my mother keep scribbling “st. anthony” for guidance
one day, my name will be established with the giants
diamond, i’m caught up reflecting my realest state
you envy my youth, but don’t coach me on real estate
teach me about credit, how they f-ck me with taxes
i’ll spin my one degree to knock your world off its axis
or is that the universe saying that’s all i need?
cuz all i need is a weapon to make poverty bleed
ingersoll, elements off the wall
7 figures, expensive dinners, i want it all…
[bridge]:
…without feeling guilty
i said i want it all, without feeling guilty

[verse 2]:
i’ve been told my little bro used to look up to me
now he got put into the ground on some gang sh-t
ask me if i got kids, sound like “new crop” to me
you’ll have to go birth another heir to build you that mansion
thought of cutting my wrist or hanging from the tv cable
inside your broken house, feeling like all my hope was lost at this dinner table
you’d think my journey would be well-wished
but these mental slaves and their owners back home calling me selfish
god forbid i find a life partner
it’s ironic you don’t hesitate to tell me beware manipulators
advices i could’ve used at age 17 making mistakes, you now telling me ten years later
too busy tryna make my life an extension of yours
my good young years, potential rotting away
to nurture your “claim” to a place that was never yours
making decisions for me like i got no say
when time is running out, you wanna enter heaven
so how convenient that the source of my trauma forgot her wrong doings after praying for forgiveness
and i’m supposed to just forgive and act like nothing happened and move on about my business
so when i’m projecting that very trauma unto others
i’ll be sure to let them know that they should learn to suck it up
that’s why so many of my sisters and my brothers
not suitable to raise children without f-cking it up
cuz we learned to mock therapy and suicidal thoughts
we learned to be seasoned crabs stuck in the boiling pot
now you try to fix broken spirits and hardened hearts
i already chose the latter, now you don’t know where to start
nothing but affection staring at my baby daughter’s face
i’ll give her what i never got: a safe, open sp-ce
a chance to be a youth, the freedom to explore her talents
at least somebody had to break the cycle, bring the balance
i’m starting over, fresh with a healthy family
a longing for your apology’s long turned to apathy
your son’s dead, your daughter’s fighting for custody
tragedy left and right, started feeling like comedy
or is that the universe saying that’s what i needed?
like my father before me, my peace no longer impeded
in montreal, diplomas on the wall
a kitchen island, my fiancée and daughter laughing down the hall
[outro]:
i feel like a king, see
because i got it all, and i don’t feel guilty
i don’t feel guilty

- cj anfernee

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