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letra de remember that we're non-violent (kuala lumpur) - world scholar's cup

[dylan, spoken]
and sometimes, i just want to walk up to a scholar and look at them, and grab their cheekbones. and sometimes, i just want to walk up to a scholar-

[daniel, spoken]
wait, wait, dylan. dylan. you cannot pull a scholar’s cheekbones. that is an act of physical aggression. and scholars, scholars, we are a-

[scholars]
non-violent program!

[daniel, spoken]
you got it, global round
[chauncey, spoken]
it is true, we are a non-violent program. and there are potentially sometimes some moments of non-violence, and some members of the team aren’t always as non-violent as we’d like to be. in fact…

[chauncey]
if you’ve ever felt the urge to punch a scholar in thе face
for poking at your cheekbones with a little too much hastе
just take a breath and sit back down and stay within your place
and remember that we’re non-violent

and if you’ve ever gotten irritated ’cause a scholar goes
“you look just like deadpool except your skin still grows!”
don’t forget your shiny head is something that you chose
and remember that we’re non-violent

[dylan]
now scholars, you guys aren’t all that non-violent either!
if you’ve ever known the answer to a question in the bowl
but your teammate grabbed your cl!cker and went out of your control
before you go berserk and let your anger take its toll
remember that we’re non-violent

[joga]
if you’ve ever had a teammate that got up and spoke with pride
but it turned out that he’d been preparing for the other side
don’t hit him when he sits back down, just keep it all inside
remember that we’re non-violent
[daniel]
if you’ve ever filled five bubbles in and none of them were right
or qualified for globals then had to buy a flight
don’t send us angry emails or try to pick a fight
remember that we’re non-violent

[all]
we are a non-violent program
full of forgiveness and remorse
we’re a non-violent program
and we keep it so by force!

[chauncey]
you remember all the instances the wi-fi didn’t work

[dylan]
and also all the other times the wi-fi didn’t work

[daniel]
please don’t yell for kk, the wi-fi still won’t work

[joga]
remember that we’re non-violent

[chauncey]
and if you’ve ever joined us at a round that ran a bit too long
[dylan]
and our playlist just consisted of a single looping song

[daniel]
don’t make aggressive facebook posts, just try to sing along

[joga]
and remember that we’re non-violent!

[havana starts playing]

[chauncey, spoken]
scholars, thank you for helping us uphold the non-violent mission that we have been able to spread around the world! especially during moments of frustration where one might even be tempted into violence!

[dylan]
yeah, such as when the opening ceremony begins 40 minutes too late!

[daniel]
or when the closing ceremony ends 40 minutes too late!

[joga]
or when we give you the wrong trophy during the award ceremony!

[chauncey]
or when we accidentally break the microphones!

[dylan]
or when your name tag is spelled completely wrong!

[daniel]
or when we run out of alpacas and promise we’ll ship them to you later!

[joga]
or when you email us for a certificate and keep waiting…
and waiting…
and waiting…

[dylan]
and they just never come!

[chauncey]
or when some members of the team incorrectly suggest that pineapple belongs on pizza!

[daniel, spoken]
wha- wait, there is nothing incorrect about that. pineapple does belong on pizza! pineapple is a perfect pizza topping. thousands upon thousands of scholars have told me as much all around the world

[chauncey, spoken]
we have been having this debate this entire season. and from the rounds that i have been at, the scholars have incontrovertibly agreed that pineapple does not belong on pizza!

[daniel, spoken]
just because they agree does not mean they are right. scholars, who believes in pineapple as the perfect topping on the perfect food?

[chauncey, spoken]
who believes pineapple belongs nowhere near pizza?

[dylan, spoken]
guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. there is only one way to finally settle this debate. scholars, who wants an epic rap battle?
well, we don’t have one. scholars, who wants an awkward rap battle?
dj kk, the music please

[daniel]
roll your dough this, roll your dough that
with no pineapple, your pizza’s just fat
to make that perfect shape and melt on top
that perfect cheese and then don’t stop
you cover it in tomato sauce – you hate tomatoes too?
your loss – it is the culmination of a culinary notion
that perfect food across every land and ocean!

[chauncey]
ha, daniel, you gotta get your head straight
your argument draws a blank like a template
you want a pizza that’s soggy and wet
then you can’t get upset if it tastes like a cement grate
what do you mean a culinary culmination?
it’s the product of years of cultural appropriation
i’m sorry canada, i know you’re tryna play but
you want better trade deals, don’t attack our taste buds!

[daniel]
appropriate this, appropriate that
your mama-

[joga, spoken]
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. you guys- you guys, whoa. can i- can i say something here? who cares?

[daniel, spoken]
they care

[joga, spoken]
guys, this is the global round. this is something we’ve been building up to for months. you’ve had a central theme we’ve explored. we need to remind the scholars what’s important here. we need to remind them that we’re a non-violent program
(sung)
if you’ve ever been bewildered by an incoherent act

[dylan]
or thought that i showed you [?] that’s what these guys have lacked

[daniel]
before you wonder if the scholar’s cup has finally cracked

[chauncey]
remember your fees are non-refundable

[jacqueline, spoken]
cancellation within 30 days may be credited 50% toward future partic-p-tion

[joga, spoken]
this one’s for the parents
(sung)
if you tried to come in here but the guards just told you no

[dylan]
and then you had to transfer to a room for overflow

[daniel]
please don’t try to k!ll us, because then the kids will have no show

[chauncey]
we’re sorry we’re over capacity

[all]
if you take the time to think about the week we have ahead
we’ll all make dumb mistakes that we’d prefer to leave unsaid
but in the end we made it here so get it in your head

[chauncey]
remember that we’re non-violent

[daniel]
non-colorist

[dylan]
non-practiced

[joga]
pro-havana

[all]
non-violent program
and time!

- world scholars cup

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