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letra de brutally honest 2 - unodeuce

i don’t know how to start it
i feel like my head is clouded
i feel like since i was carted
to hospital i been out of it
tachycardia hearted
my brain is behind a shroud
formerly high regarded
but currently feeling down
thoughts are bouncing around in my head like it’s pinball
but if i’m around a crowd it’s like i could hear pins fall
i see things a little different the image burn in my retina
nothin there when i’m listening, what i heard was malevolent

giving my affidavit just make it feel validated
i’m begging to get it out but this track i already hate it
i’m googling psychosis, not tellin my homies
i feel like it’d drive home thе idea my mind’s gone
23 years of living and not a spеck on the record
but 24 years of living i think i’m ready to exit
memories from today are suddenly feeling distant
the border of dream and reality is constantly shifting
i barely dream anymore and i used to keep ‘em in lists
i once had feet on the floor and now i’m an apparition
my body and mind are sober, to substance i can’t attribute
decomposition of mental, i’m simply losing my grip
maybe it’s cuz i’m clean and it’s all psychosomatic
i look at mirror and see i’m either psycho or addict
i’m scared to go to the doctor, i don’t want em to confirm it
i’m randomly getting hostile, my feelings randomly hurting
the gerbil inside my noggin is tossing and f-cking turning
religion of hypochondria, long ago i converted
close my eyes and the colors and shapes are extremely vivid
the internet says it’s normal but i’m not really convinced
i’m thinking maybe it’s something in me that’s always existed
and alcohol and dissociatives only made me resist it
like i covered my window with mud until it was splattered
and then i wipe it away and i realize the window’s shattered
i don’t know which i prefer
i’d rather get it refurbished
the house itself is okay
the attic should be repurposed
housekeeper is a therapist, promise to keep it furnished
don’t look inside the window it makes me extremely nervous

is it hallucination or maybe i’m schizophrenic
maybe it’s my anxiety, all of it in my head
but i’d rather go get a medic
but now the bills are impending
i already fried my liver which drained me of every penny
propranolol and the antabuse
ativan and the xanax
with none of which that i’ve touched i’m afraid it puts me in panic
although 3 out of the 4 of em meant to stop it i can’t
get over the fact the side effects may be what makes me manic
or sends me over the edge and i kinda made me a pledge
that i’d keep up the streak of sobriety for at least a second
and now it’s been seven months and each second is getting tougher
and not to mention the music this album is never coming
i keep on doing these features but solo tracks are a mountain
i’m running out of ideas, my writer’s block insurmounted
the track you’re currently hearing is coming from desperation
i’m on the way back from wedding, a good reminder i’m hated
these symptoms of which i’ve listed are opposite of abating
and now i’m getting berated by self like why aren’t you dating
i had an excuse for years, i gained a whole lotta weight
my confidence at its lowest, despair and the self hatred
but now that i’ve lost it all, i’m running out of excuses
i empty my bank account and i spend each dollar on shoes
and i get me designer clothes and i spray it down with perfume
i’m only making the effort for superficial improvement
my face is so f-cking stupid, the weight loss is so facetious
and no amount of dasani can change the color of t–th
hairline is going backward
underbite going forward
my smile is f-cking crooked
my stomach is f-cking horrid
i’m not body dysmorphic i’m simply stating the truth
my head is on way too tight to think of knocking it loose
i’d rather work out my issues without any medication
i feel like that’d be the cleanest, i even tried meditation
but how do i climb a mountain without any celebration
instead to see 50 more as shoes tear at the laces
i have a hundred good friends but have i returned the favor
or have they returned the favor i don’t know if i’m the savior
or if i’m the broken angel it’s hard enough to keep track
of all of the aa meetings much less if i’m giving back
and i’ve always been one to check in on friends cuz it’s so important
but in the back of my mind i wonder if i’ve annoyed ’em
i don’t wanna come off like i’m the one that’s anointed
and heaven knows i have issues i hear ’em at each appointment
and every therapy session my doctor says i’m a hero
he can’t see behind the curtains much less see into my mirror
i had a job interview and i can’t believe that i missed it
that sh-t was my dream job and somehow was realistic
they sent me an email and even though i was looking
for messages every day i think that i had mistook it
as spam or solicitation a month and a half late
distressed when i called ’em back and they sealed me up with my fate
this sh-t is doubly awful when i been trying to move
up out of la to home so i get back in my groove
and that’s a whole other story, this city is moving fast
i truly do love the culture but personalities clash
and my engineer is here, he’s truly a f-cking legend
and i had checked my ig, you’ll never guess who had messaged
my number one f-cking idol had hit me up with his number
he told me to hit him up so i did thinkin it was nothing
he said that he’s been listening, really f-cks with my music
so how in the f-ck can i ever consider moving
if i stay then i’m healthy in body but not the mind
if i move then i’m safe but my career will start declining
if i stay then i’m taking advantage of opportunity
if i leave then i’m starting the path to hopefully newer me
there’s not a perfect answer i don’t think there ever was
please don’t look in my window i’m trying to keep it shut

- unodeuce

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