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letra de grief instilled - shin guard

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it was 2010 when i first processed death, my heart skipped a beat and i choked in my breath when your cousin shrugged and told me you unexpectedly p-ssed on from an unknown illness. would you have expected me to be at your funeral? i would have been had i known. it stirs in me still and the feeling has only grown. the mystery of what your future held keeps me awake. sometimes, i dream about my friends lifeless at their wakes. this must be grieving instilled in me. i will be molded by death before reach. how much longer can i stare into crosses? i’m cutting blessings and counting losses. is this my chance to get closer to god? testing faith i don’t have? all that i can do is sympathize. is this what i get for my thoughts not being set on a higher plane? just deepening human pain? and just like that, you are forgotten. your family internalizes the hurt. all legacies are idealizations. time will move on without you and i will too. i should get comfortable with you leaving. i don’t want to. i feel tremendous guilt as well as being stuck with envy on this earth and not inside a casket. can you end me so my thoughts won’t race and i’ll stop asking who will come next?

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