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letra de a modest proposal to ensure medicare’s long-term solvency - ryan morgan

all informed citizens of the united states plainly see that our country is facing an impending economic crisis due to the runaway expenditures of ent-tlement programs. though well intentioned, programs such as medicare are rapidly approaching insolvency. even the most modest future projections for medicare spending predict that the program’s hmi fund will be exhausted within the next 10-15 years. unfortunately, bureaucratic inertia in congress has impeded any progress to fix medicare and ensure health coverage for future senior citizens
it is only natural that the american government should strive to support its citizens in their old age, but significant measures must be taken to ensure that this goal can be met in a fiscally responsible manner. to reach this goal, it is necessary to diagnose the flaws in medicare’s current structure that lead to wasteful spending. after careful examination of the healthcare system, i have realized that medicare’s financial woes are due to one undeniable fact: medicare enrollees are living too long
when medicare was implemented as part of lyndon b. johnson’s great society initiative, people simply did not survive as long. now that living into one’s eighties has become commonplace, medicare enrollees are collecting benefits for many more years than their predecessors and succ-mbing far more frequently to expensive later-life diseases such as parkinson’s, cancer, and alzheimer’s. when enrollees had a more reasonable life expectancy, they did not incur such extensive costs and therefore did not become a burden on america’s fragile healthcare system
i believe that any person who has seen the inside of a nursing home or hospital will agree that a large number of ancient, infirm patients consume more than their fair share of our limited resources. consider the fact that 25% of medicare enrollees are responsible for 81% of the program’s expenditures. quite often, these enrollees have surp-ssed the average american life expectancy of 78 years. henceforth, let us think of this 78+ group as “super-senior” citizens
i believe most would agree that there is no practical or economical advantage gained from allocating precious medical resources to super-seniors. the goal of treating a super-senior citizen is inevitably prolongment rather than recovery. super-senior citizens do not get well. once they are sick, they only linger in a state of demented unawareness and pain until they mercifully p-ss away. our healthcare system wastes billions of dollars each year in a constant struggle to hold super-seniors back from the precipice of death. in these situations, emotions blind us to rampant costs and the ignominious fashion in which super-seniors spend their final days. i highly doubt that any person would desire to spend their last weeks wasting away in a hospital bed, attached to an array of machines, ivs, and catheters. given the choice, i believe most would choose a quicker, cleaner death over this ign0ble end
after grappling with the realities of super-senior treatment and considering all possible courses of action, i have devised a plan that will fix medicare while allowing for our nation’s senior citizens to die with dignity
it is imperative that we end medicare benefits for those who outlive reasonable life expectancy and instead employ them in a socially beneficial manner. to this end, i propose the creation of super-senior farms, which i shall describe herein, and against which i cannot compose any logical argument
when a senior citizen enrolls in medicare at age 65, he is collecting on a social contract with the government. in return for a lifetime of taxes paid into medicare, the government agrees to insure this person’s healthcare for the remainder of his life, which the government can only reasonably expect will be until the age of 78. under this equitable system, living past the age of 78 reveals a greedy disposition, as the government must provide benefits in monetary excess of those taxes from the individual’s productive years. living past one’s expected expiration date should therefore require additional compensation to the state
i propose that the nation’s nursing and retirement homes be remodeled as super-senior farms for the internment and repurposing of our nation’s elderly population. with this existing infrastructure and a low-cost staffing model, i predict that these farms will cost not even one tenth of the $400 billion it currently costs to provide medicare to super-seniors every year. this difference accounts for a minimum savings of $1.8 trillion over the next five years alone, which will undeniably help stave off the impending ent-tlement crisis
within three months of a super-senior’s 78th birthday in this new system, he would be required to report to his designated farm. families of the elderly would likely hold farewell parties or ceremonies, creating new avenues of commerce for funeral homes that formerly profited from super-senior memorial services. families would be compensated with a $2,000 stipend upon sending their super-senior to a farm. this stipend would act as a reward for the super-senior’s faithful citizenship as well as a general stimulus for the economy
super-seniors could then be repurposed in several different manners. firstly, a large portion would serve as sample populations for clinical trials of experimental drugs and treatments. super-seniors who arrive at a farm with pre-existing ailments would be specifically designated for this role. this measure would eliminate the unnecessary risk that private citizens are exposed to during current drug trials. in the long term, this measure would likely lead to rapid advances in treatment as drug makers could rely on a steady source of experimental subjects
secondly, many super-seniors who are in good health would be designated as blood, marrow, ligament, and organ donors. blood banks and hospitals are in constant need of raw materials, and this measure would provide a critical source of organic matter to satisfy those wants. these donations would save the lives of thousands of private citizens annually
thirdly, cadavers of super-seniors could be donated to varying educational and commercial inst-tutions. for example, medical schools would benefit from a surplus of cadavers; allocating one body to each student would be a more efficient approach to anatomy cl-ss than the current model of group dissections. automobile companies could perform much more accurate crash safety tests with actual cadavers instead of mannequins. amus-m-nt parks could create truly terrifying haunted houses with the cadavers of super-seniors. i could not possibly name every industry that would benefit from a cadaver surplus, but it suffices to say that entrepreneurs in many fields could repurpose super-seniors in socially beneficial ways
in addition to these practical benefits from my proposal, there would be significant emotional and societal benefits. most obviously, removing the super-senior population from general circulation would significantly improve the aesthetic quality of our country. also, as previously stated, it is difficult to witness the prolonged death of a loved one who suffers from a debilitating disease of the elderly; by instead sending him to a super-senior farm, one could avoid this emotional pain and part with him in a gracious ceremony, comfortable in the knowledge that the end of his life has purpose in serving the common good
this is not the first or final proposal to fix medicare. i freely admit that other ideas have some merit. there would be clear benefits to increasing the enrollment age, raising premiums for high income earners, adding more copays for specific services, expanding hospice care, or negotiating with drug companies to lower pharmaceutical prices. however, i do not believe that it is at all feasible to implement each of these ideas. republicans will never support increased premiums for the wealthy, most seniors will not be able to afford the copays, democrats are hesitant to raise the enrollment age, hospice care feels like defeat to too many families, and the government ceded its right to negotiate drug prices when it implemented medicare part d. moreover, the possible benefits from any one of these ideas would hardly make a dent in the ballooning costs of medicare. this situation requires broad, decisive action. i believe that all would agree that my proposal offers the quickest, most efficient method for making our senior healthcare system fiscally sound
in sum, ceasing medicare coverage after the age of 78 and implementing a system of super-senior farms would undoubtedly secure the long-term solvency of medicare and ensure that the united states can fulfill its obligations to future seniors. considering the reasons listed above, i can see no better alternative to this modest proposal. without any well-defined and substantial suggestion to counter mine own, i leave it to be judged by public opinion, and i hope to witness its prompt implementation

- ryan morgan

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