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letra de suicide notes - roses for raychael

i do this all the time; i’m used to the pain
these scars of mine will always remain
i never questioned why i felt this way
always accepted that i was not okay

through blurry eyes i watch my hands draw blood from my flesh once again
but i’ve never gone this deep before and as i try to get up off the floor
i feel weak at the knees, and light in the head
and i think, ‘f-ck, this was an accident’
i call for help, but i am here all alone
it will be hours before you’ll be home

i lose perception of my surroundings
slowly but surely, i start to feel drowsy
i’ve lost too much blood – i can’t find my phone
i feel so scared, and confused, and lost, and alone

i didn’t even get a chance to properly say goodbye
half-written suicide notes dating back to last july
and i can’t help but imagine the look in your eyes
and in your grief, you blame yourself and even try to apologise

what the f-ck was i thinking dancing with death?
it hasn’t been easy living like this
but did i really want for it to end this way?
fade into nothingness and leave my corpse on display for the ones that i love to discover?
i used to think that it didn’t even matter
but the only thing that comes from death is broken hearts

you’re gonna find my suicide notes
the ones i wished i never wrote
the ones that say: i can’t go on
the ones that are all ripped and torn (ripped and torn)
you’re gonna find my suicide notes
the ones i never even completed
i used to feel so f-cking defeated
but now i’ll never feel another thing at all

“i guess i’ve always been better at writing my feelings down
as opposed to speaking them – especially when the words that come out just feel like razor
blades on my tongue
i’m trapped in this aching state of paralysis
because i don’t want to be here anymore
i just won’t let myself act on it
i’m so full of fear, which only makes me feel like i’m this huge burden
and not just on myself, but on my loved ones
especially when they actually acknowledge that i am f-cked up
and they go out of their way to try and help me
but nothing they do ever makes me feel any better”

“medication’s just a cover up
and i can only distract myself for so long
before i find myself spiralling back down into this f-cking mess of a mind
full of so much confusion, and a million mixed messages
and i guess it’s just unfortunate that the voice
that stands out most is the one that says ‘just k!ll yourself’
so if this means that i’m weak, or i’m selfish, or i gave up, then fine
i won’t argue with that
but i’m tired of my eyes stinging – and my head aching
and my nightmares being nothing compared to the state of mind
i find myself trapped in day after day – night after night
and i would come kiss you goodbye but i know you’ll change my mind”

“i’m sorry…”

i’ll be a memory – i’ll be a headstone
please forgive me; i just really want you to know
i love you so much and i am so sorry
i didn’t tell you enough when you could hear me
but i cannot regret what i have done
because you can’t feel a thing when you are gone

- roses for raychael

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