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letra de an open letter: the introduction - nicotine

before i begin –
excuse me while i drop a bountiful donation into the swear jar
because in these next few moments, i’m taking you for everything you are
as you took me for everything that i was
everything that i could have been –
you took me for granted

countless nights, i counted the hours and the reasons of my being with your busted -ss
was i that desperate
that i would allow for you to treat me as the rag tucked under your mattress?
was i that bored
that i would see your outbursts as entertainment for the time being?
you thought that shit was cute!

i begged for negligence –
while you begged to eat my pussy –
but i wanted you to starve!!
i fiened for your malnourishment
why should i have to prepare such a feast for the nigga who constantly force-fed me bullshit?
i mean, it’s not like i was missing out on anything –
but could you say the same for yourself?

i figured love was written on my sleeve
but it turns out i was just lazy and in need of a good bath
in order to rinse myself of the sins that you had commited against me
you stained my favourite shirt

they asked me when i’ll stop writing about you
and i tell them to mind their godd-mn business
because those motherf-ckers were not the ones who were barricaded into a writer’s block!
i beat down those walls like you beat down my encouragement
and i renovated them into a vault, in which i keep our jackal hidden
she scratches at the crack of the door –
begging to be released –
but i keep that key tucked under my tongue
for if she were to get loose, i’d get locked up
and that is not the type of shit that i am trying to deal with right now

i had plenty of chances
where i could have taken your life is what i’m saying
whether it had been jail time, or self defense
your life could have been mine either way
i type this as i smirk, and smoke, and sip on this good shit

i should have drained you for every drop!
i should have made you drain, then made you drop!
i should have called the f-cking cops –
or my cousins..whatever

but, no matter how many times you did me wrong
i did you right and i never left your side
…except for that one night
and that one guy that i never told you about
but, if you hear this you know the rest
there’s no need to type it out
you made me feel alone
so he sat me on his throne – and he knew about you
but he did not care
i f-cked the shit out of that man –
that one night stand..
hoping that you would feel it
and i hated the both of you after i was done

i guess that one f-ck was the one that i couldn’t push myself to give to you
and that’s when i knew i was over it
you meant nothing to me
you didn’t even turn me on anymore
i was dry
like your mouth on those pill-paraded nights
and you made me sick to my stomach

you cried because i wouldn’t kiss you
and i was overcome with satisfaction
i had you kissing my feet
running my bath
and drenching my chest with your generic salt water

none of this was real
it had to have been some sort of bad trip
an inception type twilight zone mirage..
but it’s over now and you’re missing me
and i’m in love with him unconditionally
which surprises me –
because i thought you f-cked it up for everybody!
but in reality
you just brought me to the one that i’m supposed to be with
so thank you for the experience
i hope you see me
and i hope you hate me

- nicotine

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