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letra de chef ted's christmas raffle - mayor breslin (obscurest vinyl)

[announcer]
all right, everyone!
it’s time to reveal the winner of our christmas raffle
sponsored by none other than chef ted
the prize is his legendary imperial knife collection
a chef’s dream come true and the ultimate kitchen upgrade
who’s taking home these world-class blades? let’s find out
drumroll, please

[announcer, darlene, and chef ted]
h-llo
hi, is this darlene?
yes, this is she
ha, we’rе calling to let you know that you’re the winnеr of the wfrt christmas raffle
no way! well, i can’t believe it
well, believe it, darlene
thank you!
oh, i—i can’t wait to use these, if you know what i mean, heh
ha, well, that’s the spirit! you’ll be slicing and dicing like a pro
“slicin’ and dicin’,” you’re freaky. you’re freaky
ha, okay
well, enjoy your beautifully crafted chef ted knives, darlene
oh, i thought this, i thought these were something else
i thought this was a more, uh, personal item, you know what i mean?
no
um, just with the way the handles looked, i thought this was, like, a luxury d-ld- collection or something
ha, nope! but i can kinda see where you’re coming from, the handles do kinda look a certain way
yeah, you see it, you see it, yeah
i can’t un-see it, darlene
like little, like a bunch of d-ld-es
stop it, stop it, i can’t listen to this anymore
and just who in the h-ll are you?
wow! chef ted, ladies and gentlemen
lady, you have just insulted the pinnacle of craftsmanship
uh, excuse me?
shut up and let me talk
who the f-ck do you think you’re speaking to?
these knives were handcrafted specifically for me by world-renowned knifesmith c. n. wu
i don’t give a f-ck about c. n. wu, you can tell him his handles look like little f-ckin’ d-ld-es
the handles, madam, are ergonomically designed for superior grip and balance, not for whatever filth you’ve applied to them
yeah, looks like c. n. wu been, uh, ergonomically grabbin’ a bunch of d-cks
by all means, ma’am, please use the knives as you initially intended to, if you know what i mean
yeah, you’re tellin’ me to go f-ck myself with a knife
you said it, not me
[announcer and darlene]
well, congratulations, darlene! enjoy your world-class knives!
[?] go f-ck you with a knife
what is the matter with you?
now let’s get back to the jingle bulb bash!

- mayor breslin obscurest vinyl

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