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letra de it's gotta be the insanity! - matthew taranto

the judge [spoken]:
hoooooooooooooo–witness, please, uh, state your name and your occupation and all that jazz

laurice deauxnim:
uh, laurice deauxnim…painter extraordinaire

manfred von karma:
this is a colossal waste of time

laurice:
you-you got it, pops!

[sung]
well, i was hanging out with my girlfriend ruth

[spoken rhythmically]
in my crummy crummy crummy shack

judge:
sir, i must commend you now for telling the truth
so give yourself a pat on the back!

laurice [spoken]:
you got it, pops!

judge:
stop calling me pops
laurice:
you got it–

judge:
stop

laurice [spoken rhythmically]:
yeah, i was all alone ’cause i’d just been dumped
and that’s the eighty-fourth time this week! [sobs]

von karma:
this is a colossal waste of time

laurice [sung]:
i hit the lake so i could look for some junk
which had also left me on that christmas eve

phoenix wright [spoken]:
objection!!!!!!
you never go to the lake, evеr! you’re always sitting around at home…

laurice:
dude, just wait a minutе, i’m not done yet. you gotta give me a few more seconds, you know, before you start grasping for contradic–

von karma:
this is a colossal waste of time
laurice [sung]:
that’s how it all happened
i recall it clear as ink
and to get up here, it took a lotta butz!
wee~!

phoenix [spoken]:
his testimony’s terrible

maya fey [or phoenix wearing a maya wig?]:
and you know just what they say! when something smells–

phoenix:
it’s gotta be triforcebun’s impression of women when he sings

von karma:
this song is contributing nothing! i suggest it be taken out of the show, and put into high school musical 3–

phoenix:
hold it!!!!!!!
you are one sick, sick man

maya:
heyyy nick let’s get some burgersss~

phoenix:
larry, there’s a problem with your testimony, see, yesterday, ms. lotta hart testified, and i quote, “i heard thirty-two gunshots! but then it just turned out to be a rattlesnake!” -ba-dum-chh-
maya:
nick, that was–that joke was–that was terrible. i mean, it didn’t even make sense

phoenix:
l-larry, just testify why you didn’t hear the thirty-second gunshot–

laurice [sung]:
i like to jam out when i’m feeling alone
because radio’s a-feeling all alone, yeah
i like to jam out when i’m feeling alone
and so it could have been a k!ller drummin’ riff, aw yeah!

cody hackins:
with a samurai slap and a samurai chop
that samurai pain just never stopped!
he came on top while the magistrate dropped
’cause the samurai always wins!

phoenix [spoken]:
what? what is this? there’s a kid in here! can someone get him out of here?

laurice:
k!ller drumming riff

von karma:
this is a colossal waste of time

lawrence “moe” curls [spoken rhythmically]:
moe solo!
when the dj had talked, there was hardly any noise
so i listened in awe of her really s-xy voice
[snicker] it was pure and demure yet mature and so refined
they should have put it in a refinery!
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

phoenix [spoken]:
okay, who let the clown in? h-llo? can someone take care of this?

von karma:
get him out of herrrrah!

phoenix:
worst testimony ever
when something smells, it’s gotta be the bun

von karma [sung]:
i don’t care who even did the deed
this young man is making my ears bleed
get him out, this stupid little elf
or i may have to k!ll someone myself

phoenix [spoken]:
objection!!!!!!
that means you did it!

von karma:
no!

phoenix:
whoa, don’t taze me, bro!

laurice:
hey nick, according to surveys, this song stopped being funny about three minutes ago

phoenix:
but it’s only been two minutes and fifty seconds…

laurice:
yes…exactly

maya:
nick, can we get some burgers neowwww~

phoenix:
just hold on maya, i’ve got this guy on the ropes!

judge:
order! order!

von karma:
this is a colossal waste of time

phoenix:
your honor, wait! pleaseeee wait a minute, i just figured out how the testimony changes everything!

[sung]
if youuuuuuu recall ms. lotta’s camera went off

[spoken in don adams detective voice]
at 12:15, february 31st, see? and though the witness is a dope and he’s pretty much the worst person i’ve ever met…i can tell that his testimony is equally worthless. now as we all remember, the camera went off three times, but in fact, it went off thirty-seven times! one was fired christmas eve and the other thirty-six were fired whenever the witness was taking pictures of his dog

judge [spoken ‘normally’]:
um

von karma:
yes. exactly

judge:
no-no objections, mr-mr. von karma?

von karma:
this is a colossal waste of–

judge:
shut up!

laurice:
you got it, pops!

judge:
not you! well, you too

phoenix:
look everyone! a twenty-five minute gap! duck, duck, everybody look out!

von karma:
this is a colossal gap

godot:
nice going, mr. trite. but you forgot one little detail. how could the witness cross over the bridge after it burned down!? and now you’ve drank your last cup! [gulpgulpgulpgulpgulpgulp]

judge:
indeed. we shall finish the trial tomorrow

[simultaneous 1:]

laurice [or maya?] [sung]:
wow, nick, that’s quite a trick, it shocked even me
how you managed just to screw everything up!

[spoken rhythmically]
i mean, look, the guy that looks like cyclops came in
and threw your theory out the window after downing his last cup

[simultaneous 2:]

von karma [spoken rhythmically]:
get that man off the stand
this is a colossal waste of time
this. is. a. co. lossal waste of time
yeah

[end simultaneous]

laurice [sung]:
ohhhhh, that’s how it all happened
and that’s all i’ve got to say

moe [spoken]:
if it’s all you’ve got to say, why are you still talkin’?
ahahahahahaha

von karma:
get him out of herrrrah!

laurice [sung]:
and so i saved the day, even though i’m just a klutz~~~

backing vocals [or phoenix?]:
when something smells, it’s gotta be–

von karma [spoken]:
everyone in here needs a lobotomy!

backing vocals:
when something smells, it’s

backing vocals/laurice:
gotta be the butz!

laurice [spoken]:
that’s right!

miles edgeworth [sung]:
and we’ll meet again, phoenix wri-ightttttttttttttt

…i fight for truthhhh~

- matthew taranto

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