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letra de politiclash: donald trump vs. joe biden - jon cozart

(ladies and gentlemen
what in the sam hill
is happening to america?
fire
fury
mark zuckerburg
it’s the battle of the two septuagenarians
who will save us?
silent generation my ass)

[donald trump]
good evening to all you hacks
still practicing quarantine
(hey it’s the real donald trump)
yeah i’m gracing your screens
ladies?
(he ain’t quite done making america scream)
hey barron
hold my hydroxychloroquine

half my crew’s in the pen but i’m rolling in deep
cause i got this sick beat
like corona-19
you think biden’s gonna sweep
once my peoplе hit the streets?
they want
(four more yеars)
’bout to give em fourteen
i’m impressed the progressives
were so quick to surrender
got the left crying “uncle”
electing a s-x offender
(hee hee!)
one sec
lemme mention this in case you can’t remember
my name is donald trump
and it’s really nice dementia

i’m relentless
i still got herman cain’s support
see him tweeting from the freezer truck
behind the walmart
calling all the free thinkers
the death count is fake
the boomers won’t complain
til it’s 401k

don’t trust doctor fausty
the little devil’s cursed
i’m good getting my science
from qanon, good nurse
don’t need to mince words
i’m a world class jerk
biden’s spitting out his dentures
at the mention of dessert
only illegals and dead people
vote for your ass
gifting ballots to the ghosts
of latinxmas passed
i’m giving jesucristo a hand with that rapture
i love the bible
heard i’m featured in the last chapter

my resumé
it’s flawless
the markets
go topless
i’m in bed with big tech
they’re hard for maganomics
deregulated wall street
jet fuel economics
we’ll watch it as the world trade
topples from the optics

my tax cuts are massive
relax, slip it in
yeah we’re plowing towards an iceberg
but bro it’s just the tip
so don’t b-tch about the loopholes
when the rich fund your pulpit
i know you know the tax code
you’re the ho who wrote it
secret’s out, i’m an assh0l-
the electorate’s indifferent
20 trillion in debt
pushing the bill onto their children
it’s why they’re called the boomers
they sent a grenade in
i’m an exclamation point
to finish off their generation

[secret service agents]
joe biden’s lit
let’s hear him spit
he’s got that nation in his grip
till arthritis hit
no need to run
he pacing it
replacement hip
joe biden’s lit
don’t question it

[joe biden]
used to be a wingman
now i’m b-lls deep in it
leaking in
bet i gotta clean the sheets from the beat
bet you get ’em free
when the clan meet
with your family
you owe the irs millions
how will you feel
when i grab five trillion
from out the pants
of your friends in the hamptons
put into hands
of the standard civilian

got an interest in
pragmatics
a fact addict
my résumé is straight fact
i don’t pad it
you’re running with a rat pack
trapped in the attic
your camp is running fake ads
they don’t have it
no time for the dramatic (matic)
in a word i’m bureaucratic (cratic)
but i heard it’s a slur
since you last had it
so i turn the flash off
when i wreak havoc
then static

my affiliation?
moderate
my promise is:
make politics
a yawn again
speak softly
pack a long stick
got a thick skin
that’s obama d-ck
to change a nation
play conservative
segregation was ended by a surrogate
like lyndon
i know what my mission is
lincoln wasn’t even abolitionist

i’m not the hottest at the bar
but i’m slammed
i like to do it in the dark
both hands
bring you brekkie in bed
no pants
b-tterface fine
with a side of sliced ham
white bread
in a tight jam

the budget
i’ll double it
twice
gotta green-splain
science to the right
raise the minimum wage
fifteen overnight
that’s the minimum age
for your next teen wife

bet you’ll feel the heat
when you head toward the light
when you beg for your pardon
better be more polite
scalia knows satan
rough from behind
if you’re gonna drop the mic
pick it up upright

[donald trump]
why don’t you just say it?
you’re a radical leftist
when it comes to socialism
you can’t even social distance
little joe hidin’
where’s that communist doctrine?
sure, i may be russian
but at least i’m not stalin

so christians are your lucky charm?
hmm, that’s suspicious
after k!lling babies
you’re magically religious
you can’t even pack a stadium
much less the courts
sleepy joe, go home
to the other six dwarfs

you’re too weak to keep me
or my cabinet on the ropes
better call up obama
to bust up this chifforobe
all that time in the swamp
joe you’re starting to prune
you’re looking like the creature
trailing the black goon

put your hands in the air
and pray i’m not bitter
i’m a riot with blue lives
and they’re easily triggered
i’d throw you in prison
before you ever got elected
but you’d probably be dead
before you could finish your sentence

you’re a typical democrat
pretending to care
when black lives
only matter to you
every four years
yeah, i’m proud of my boys
but i’ll denounce white power
want hunter to love you?
i’ll grind you into
white powder

four more years
they want me reelected president
when you hear “four more years”
the doctor’s being generous
so in case you need reminding
even if you squeak by
you’ll be the least memorable president
of alzheim

[joe biden]
republican
democrat
we are all americans
and as president
i promise i will—

[donald trump]
—loser

[joe biden]
huh?

[donald trump, spoken]
what?
you’re a loser, okay?
with the ukraine thing
with your son
it’s a huge deal
the fake news media –

[joe biden]
—will you shut up man?

[donald trump]
no

[joe biden]
i can’t think
’bout to take the route
you tried with don jr
plan b
you dropped agent orange on new york for what?
a photo op?
holding a bible like a prop
popping tear gas
like a soda pop
i noticed though
you got the photo cropped
down to a solo shot
though the cops were all around you
like a donald duncan donut shop

you ain’t pro-life
you get weak kneed
getting fingered by police
you only lift up women
so you can see what’s underneath
stripping healthcare
to its bare-bones
and switching your positions
you’re a deepfake defarge
with the way you sow division

too many characters in your cabinet
this america or narnia?
escaping into fantasy
like every night for poor melania
with pence making claims
on the coronavirus task force
the virus came from china
like ivanka trump’s bags were

your flow’s sick
from hope hicks
and the covid flight crew
first time in four years
i’ve heard “positive” news
once you k!ll off your constituents
who’s left to vote for you?
my soccer moms sure won’t
better hope hicks do

for a century
the economy’s
done better under democrats
you call yourselves conservatives
you don’t even spend less
you sodomized the middle class
we’re stuck in deuteronomy
wandering through forty years
of shoddy fiscal policy

you run the country like your business
so that’s why we’re in debt
you must be working on commission
for that precious 1%
you don’t like the news
so you stole the printing press
to pump the markets full of bull
a courtesy of the feds

you’re done tearing at the fabric
of american society
like it’s one of your lovers
of the bolshevik variety
i took the foot out my mouth
and shoved it up your backside
from barebacking the kremlin
it fit just fine

- jon cozart

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