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letra de dazzle camouflage - jeff bowen

[jeff, spoken impersonating ed grimley]
oh, give me a break!
i couldn’t be more excited i must say
i couldn’t sleep awake last night it was making me mental
and i can’t believe that i, ed grimley, was asked to perform
for the amazing suncoast middle school annual pta pancake supper
like i suppose you could do better than that, no way!
it’s almost insane as the time i got to meet pat sajak
who’s a pretty decent guy i must say
oh, you know what i’m thinking like today shouldn’t be about pat sajak, no way!

[jeff, heidi, hunter & susan, spoken cycling through different impersonations]
but then again, maybe it should, it’s difficult to say, no
today is about
today is about
today, today
today is about

[all, sung]
dazzle camouflage!

[jeff]
i am knocking them dead!

[jeff & -hunter-, spoken (heidi & susan sing)]
-you made shane festler laugh so hard, gatorade came out his nose. (doo-wah)
my dad has helped me get my script together
and my mum helped get my hair stuck up into a point
my costume is perfect. a college shirt b-ttoned to the top
with just a hint of moose knuckle
[heidi, susan & hunter, sung (jeff, spoken)]
amazement he enjoys
(you know what moose knuckle is, don’t you?)
camel toe for boys

[jeff, -heidi-, –hunter– & —susan—, spoken (jeff, susan & heidi, sung)]
i’m a very gentle, sensitive kid
while my brother is playing baseball
i spend hours lying on the living room floor
reading the encyclopaedia britannica
or tenderly pressing my lips to the screen of the tv console
when captain james t kirk is on the other side of the glass
one morning, my mother flies on the bedroom and demands
-why are there lips marks all over the tv set?-
for reasons that i cannot fully explain
something inside me says “don’t tell her”

one day, i’m leafing through the encyclopaedia trying to find a picture of michelangelo’s david (wah ooh)
when i stumble across a passage about (dot dot, dot dot dot dot)
(dazzle camouflage!)
in world war one, the military used to paint battleships (world war one)
with wild eye-catching patterns (ooh ooh wah!)
this dazzled camouflage confused the enemy’s rangefinders (rangefinders)
so huge boats could hide in plain sight
and bomber planes would just pass them by (ooh ooh wah!)
a light bulb goes off
if i could dazzle everyone around me
i could hide in plain sight
then maybe i would hear shane festler say
–dude, you’re funny–
instead of
–dude, you’re a f-ggot–
so i tuck away quiet me, sensitive me
and i become dazzle me!
and i have a million different cards in my razzle-dazzle deck
(class clown camouflage:)
[as dumb jock teacher] “look at me i teach drivers ed”
(joe cool camouflage:)
[as jaded teen] “this field trip sucks”
(girlfriend camouflage:)
yep, i have girlfriends
from second grade all the way through my junior year of college (doo-wah!)
-[as girlfriend] you wanna come over after school? we can watch mtv-
the hours i spend holding hands with girls is equaled only
by the hours i spend in my bedroom making my superhero action figures go at it

[as action figures]
–batman, do you love me?–
–i do green lantern–
—batman, you said you loved me!—
–aquaman? i did not see you standing there, have you been working out?–
i am so good at dazzle camouflage, i’m like a one-man ed sullivan show
-do kermit the frog!-
[as kermit the frog] hi ho! it’s the muppet show with a very special guest miss joan ark!
–do homer simpson!–
[as homer] marge ate lisa’s lunchbox
-pee-wee herman!-
[as herman] cherry’s not feelin’ so good today
—madeleine khan!—
[as khan] normally, darling i would not ask this but while you’re down there
would you mind terribly tying my shoe?
–oh dude are you being a girl?–
what about ed grimley?
-ed grimley!- –ed grimley!– —ed grimley!—
[as grimley] oh, i must say, i must say
like today should be about pat sajak, no way (dazzle camouflage)
but then again, maybe it should, it’s difficult to say
no today is about the suncoast middle school
annual pta pancake supper

after the pancake supper i am riding home in the car with my parents
they are so proud and happy
we get home, i peel of my sweaty makeshift costume
take a shower, go into my room and lock the door
i am so tired
tired from constantly scanning to see if anyone will ever be able to put together the truth
than shane festler is right
keeping a secret is a full-time job and i am exhausted
i put out my tattered speedo catalogue from in between
my mattress and the bed frame
one day, i will be in the arms of a real speedo man

i close my eyes
i am so tired

- jeff bowen

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