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letra de the circus egotistica and the girl who cried bad wolf - floral tattoo

[part 1]

it’s been two days since the three year anniversary of your death
and i am still, despite everything i have tried, not over it
i can’t believe that i’m still here i can’t believe how much i’ve changed
i am, despite everything, still “me”, but i’ve mutated
into something unpredictable and pr-ne to mutilation
of the self and i’m afraid the blast will take out everybody that i love
like how it did when you went, driving in montana
going eighty on the freeway in your van going to college

it’s been one week since i woke up at a time prior to 4pm
the only places i have been are home and work and home again
and i am tired of the same three days
i go to the field to smoke my feelings out and the corner store to eat them
and the f-cked up thing about it is that it serves as some kind of break
from all the mourning that i’m doing, feeling like complete total sh-t
and when no one else is around and no coyotes are crashing in
i talk to you and pretend that you still exist as i look at the stars

you were the first to tell us about the matrix
and h-ll we listened cuz we could already tell something was wrong
and the worst part about it all is that i knew how far i’d fall
the worst feeling in the world, another fear of yours confirmed
’cause it’s just another reason to get hurt
and i will always miss you
and i will never forget your name
and i will always love you
but there’s a war going on inside my brain
and so i must forget you
but i’ll still carry on
and care for all the memories you left with me now you’re gone

i remember how they all laughed when i told them about the end
i remember how they treated me as if i was a man
i don’t really wanna talk to you people anymore
i remember as a young teenager seeing cara cunningham
i remember how she looked so happy in her wig and dress
and i remember how she looked dead inside when she had to detransition
and i remember that she looked more alive when she was crying on the bathroom floor than smiling like a stranger-
was like looking at a mirror
oh i could see myself clearer, oh
it’s so cold, it’s so cold, it’s the coldest night
please don’t go, please don’t go, please don’t say goodbye

i shouldn’t have to mother myself now
but i’ve got to because you left all the pieces of me behind
but it’s not like i had a choice
you’ve got me stunted, i’m so broken and you’re never gonna get me repaired
you’re never gonna get me repaired
like i’m just some broken doll to replace
thinking that i should point out the spade
i have led a life of pain inside the freakshow in my brain
inside my head and now i’m free, we left the ringmaster last spring
or did that happen months before? or did that happen years ago?
when did i come into existence? when was my consciousness formed?
what was that child like who lived here? why did they go and k!ll their self?
it went and happened oh so long ago i don’t know if we’re what they left
i just know something awful happened and now we’re kinda broken up
the children born from all this violence will someday come seek real love in their lives

[part 2]

even if all hope is lost, i’ll never stop the fight
i’m gonna keep on running, power’s part of my named right
and part of me
whether i want it to be
whether i need it to be
whether it’s okay to be a perfect weapon of pure destruction in a time like this
bad wolf, i cried, and it answered and made her whole again
and the world became the way it always was

even if i died for nothing, i came back alright
i’m starting to accept that this will always be my life
from this point on
whether i want it to be
whether i need it to be
whether it’s okay to be a false immortal. i can’t stop dying all of the time, all of the time
bad wolf, i cried, and i broke up and split up and flailed about
and the world became the way it always was
i think my childhood is over now for real this time

but the people we used to know never changed
they never grew up, they stayed the same
still stuck in the mindset from their old ways
from the place there that tortured them at that age
and the guilt from it all starts to suffocate
me when i start thinking too hard cuz i enabled
all that sh-t when i was just a f-cking stupid teenager
when i swore that i knew better that time
and the places we used to go, they will change
but the way that they tortured us still remains
it’s baked into the pavement but they don’t care
’bout the body count cause it’s intentional
not a bug, but a feature, it’s criminal
the way we force all our lives into schedules
of arbitrary work hours so we can live at all
i wanna make something good of myself
i can make something good, something good, god f-cking dammit

and it’s starting to look like i’m not alone in my dysfunctional relationship with myself
and it’s starting to look like we’re not alone in feeling like we’re all just living in h-ll
and it’s starting to look like i’m not alone in my less than ideal relationships with my selves
and it’s starting to look like we’re not alone in feeling like this world is going to h-ll
going to h-ll
going to h-ll
going to h-ll

- floral tattoo

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