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letra de stared at from a distance - feldup

it started in 2019
people were starting to notice
that this 16-year-old kid
was making videos and music
i think it was in january
when everything was silent
that she appeared slowly
inside social media comments
“hey, i really like your stuff”
she typed one day
“i genuinely think you’re worth”
it felt nice back then, so it started

saying the same sentence again
and again and again
until it becomes a joke
a joke i never rеally cared for
every word i said
to her was said thе right way
every song i made
was better than the rest
she felt smart and calm
yet she made silly jokes
she felt introverted
yet she talked the most
she felt nice and strong
yet she said she was fragile
she felt nice and young
yet she was 32 years old
she infiltrated every corner of my online sp-ce
made herself look unavoidable
she had plastered her voice and her face
as a wallpaper for my internet existence
she made videos about me
she made drawings about me
she made music about me
she only talked about me

fast forward a few months, she’s now considered a friend
she’s known as the nicest person on the planet
everyone saw her as a nice aunt who likes cat gifs
astrology and facebook motivational quotes
“i’m so impressed by you, felix
you are so gifted”
it’s something she said
way too frequently

she wanted attention
i wanted attention
she wanted attention
i craved attention

i liked her
as a friend
i liked her
as a fan
doing anything to get to me
like a child pulling my sleeve
in hindsight, the thing she wanted
was pretty clear

i was slipping into dark territories
thinking n0body would ever want me
i treated my body like sh-t
took showers in the dark to not see it
our late night talks became online venting
she knew everything about me
from the minor incidents of the daily life
to the time i was s-xually abused as a kid

she changed a lot when i turned 18
one day she was in my dms
the next she was in my apartment
her husband got mad at her
for spending late nights on discord with children
so i told her to get out
their relationship was toxic
i didn’t know what to do to help
so i called her every day
and so it started

that’s when she started coming to my place
we wanted to cheer her up
there was a noticeable gap
between her culture and ours
we were all teens, barely adults
she was almost twice as old
we let our guard down
it’s funny all the bullsh-t you can let slide
when someone is known to be nice
so i let my guard down
i let my guard down
she started coming to my place
a lot more than the usual
doing 4-hour trips to paris
just to sleep on the sofa
i was in a dark, dark, dark place
she would dissect my lyrics
find me more and more illnesses
by twisting metaphors and abstractness
she would find excuses for my sh-tty behaviour
find another sickness where she would be the cure
i was addicted to her presence
i was addicted to the attention
i was addicted to the excuses
i was addicted to the sickness
i began skipping classes
spiralling into darkness
my mind was shattering
suicidal thoughts kept coming
i would fantasize about autodestruction
drinking litres and litres of the strongest liquor
at every party with my friends
i would look at the ceiling
i would eat tons of sh-t only to make myself vomit
this spiral of constant praise made me f-cking hate myself
i was barely 18 i wanted to end it
she found an opportunity to be the one to save me
to cure my illnesses and my insecurities

she went to paris one night
to spend the weekend with me
the conversation drifted into dark territories
i told her about everything
my relationship with s-x
and how i resented it
and i don’t know why
but she took that as a challenge
i was in the weakest place
i felt a pit in my stomach
something felt wrong
i got into her bed
because she was supposed to be my safe place
she cried on my back and told me:
“you deserve better, someone younger”

i was just a kid
she was almost twice my age
i was terrified
i wanted to get away
i was vague and not clear
as twisted as it is to hear
there was a thrill
because it was all new
maybe that’s why i didn’t say “no”
she was making her way into my mind
that was confusing and weird at the same time
those lines are especially hard to write
knowing what would happen that night
“do you consent?” she said
i was scared and i said yes

history repeats itself
history repeats itself
history repeats itself
history repeats itself

that night i was raped

- feldup

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