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letra de time now for mr. idiosyncratic - dustin lewit

facial recognition was impossible. the culprit of the murder hid his face under a gallon hat. the vocal chords were altered by the inhalation of sulfur hexafluoride. the deep voiced mystery murderer called in a radio show called “time now for mr. idiosyncratic”
the conversation made its way into millions of tympanic membranes like this:
“i’d like to report a murder.” the culprit baritone
“why would you like reporting a murder? what are you? some whack job?” mr. idiosyncratic exclaimed in his famous exaggerated personality voice
“it wasn’t a whack job.” the sulfur hexafluoride was wearing off. it was picked up through the telephone that more of the gas was being inhaled by the mysterious criminal
“how do you know that?” mr. idiosyncratic asked, getting a bit serious
“because i murdered myself.” the deep voice answered. “how are you communicating if you k!lled yourself?” mr. idiosyncratic asked as if setting up a punch line
“this is my ghost.” the demonic-sounding voice whispered
“what do you want from me? why did you call up ‘now time for mr. idiosyncratic’?” mr. idiosyncratic asked
“i want you to join me.” the criminal coughed from inhaling too much sulfur hexafluoride
the police detective pushed “off” on the tape machine
“it’s not for the weak of heart and mind to hear what goes down next.” the police detective warned
all of the listeners in the interrogation room rolled their eyes in annoyance at being talked to like 5 year olds
the police detective hit “play” on the tape machine
a noise so strong emitted from the tape machine and ended the world
the police detective, after the world ended, hit “stop” on the tape machine

two people in love locked hands together and kissed under the night sky having a party of shooting stars
“this is a perfect spot to dump a body.” the female of the two people said
it was a hill that roared so deep that no one could find below a dead body
“what the h-ll is wrong with you? we’re expressing our love under a night sky designed for us and all you can say is ‘gee, what a wonderful place to dispose of a body’!” the male of the two people said
“are you in or not?” the female asked
“who are we k!lling?” the male asked
“let us rest in peace that mr. idiosyncratic.” the female said, all of her ten fingertips touching each other because this gesture was expected of premeditated murderers
“why do you want to k!ll mr. idiosyncratic? i love that show he does. ‘time now for mr. idiosyncratic’!” the male asked and then exclaimed
“he caused the world to end. didn’t you listen to that last radio broadcast he did with that guy who called up with a voice altered by sulfur hexafluoride?” the female asked
“let us rest in peace that obnoxious b-st-rd!” the male said
mr. idiosyncratic already knew that these two people were coming for him. he hired goons to quote unquote “fix the problem”
standing over the dead male and female who planned his death while they were alive and well, mr. idiosyncratic spat to their corpses:
“thank you for pointing out this beautiful spot to dump bodies.”
mr. idiosyncratic nodded to the goons, and they threw the male and female lovebirds over the hill and into the deepness of inconspicuousness
mr. idiosyncratic sat down in his vocal booth and began another episode of “time now for mr. idiosyncratic”
“welcome back to ‘time now for mr. idiosyncratic’. i just got back from murdering two people who were plotting to k!ll me first. you know how it is.” mr. idiosyncratic laughed absurdly into the microphone. some listeners reported feeling the spit coming out of their radios. maybe “time now for mr. idiosyncratic” was becoming the first ever 4 dimensional talk show
“we don’t know, or care, how it is! answer your phone! you’ve got callers, assh0l-!” a sound-byte specially designed to respond to mr. idiosyncratic’s shenanigans said
“alright. f-ck it. who’s there? this is mr. idiosyncratic and you are live on coast to coast radio!”
two people heavily breathing
“is anyone on the other end of this h-rn? speak or i’ll come find you on why you chose to waste my time. out with it!” mr. idiosyncratic’s trademark was his ability to confuse his listeners whether he was seriously rude or just joking around
“your goons didn’t k!ll us properly.” the female said
“either they didn’t k!ll us right or they threw us down the hill towards a shallow grave.” the male said
“i think you’re both nuts. we checked for signs of life and neither of you had a pulse.” mr. idiosyncratic said
mind you, this conversation went out coast to coast, live on radio
mr. idiosyncratic continued this very public conversation
“why did you guys want to k!ll me anyway?” he asked, no tomfoolery in tone
“you ended the world with that sulfur hexafluoride guy.” the female said
“you mean the guy who told me he k!lled himself and wanted to report his own murder?” mr. idiosyncratic asked
“yes. the one who said he wanted to take you with him being that he’s a ghost and all.” the male said
“the world didn’t end. it was radio trickery. that noise at the end of that broadcast screwed with the mind of everyone in the world. it got them to believe existence was over. i was merely putting on a 4 dimensional sound prank!” mr. idiosyncratic laughed. “man, you two dumb as h-ll. if the world ended, how could we be having this conversation?”
a gunshot and sound of somebody dropping dead came over the broadcast. apparently, someone with strong religious beliefs worked on “time now for mr. idiosyncratic” and thought of mr. idiosyncratic as the anti-christ. this individual’s footsteps could be heard walking over to the microphone to tell all the listeners that she just had enough of mr. idiosyncratic’s “ungodly” behavior and had to “blow his brains out. it smells quite bad.” quote unquote
chaos deftly went on in the background of this announcement. emts were arguing over mr. idiosyncratic’s status of being alive or dead
“he’s got an exit wound the size of a golf ball! call time of death! now!” an emt argued
“he’s still got a pulse! we’re not doctors! when there’s life, there’s hope.” another emt, much more chill in nature, reb-tted
mr. idiosyncratic quote unquote “returned” to his microphone and told the listeners:
“see what i can get you to believe?!”

- dustin lewit

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