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letra de the chumra song - dr. dreizich

i’m so frum…

i never shave, not even with a trimmer
i keep the three weeks ah gantzeh zimmer
i bring a mezuzah wherever i travel
i tie knots in my tzitzis so it doesn’t unravel
i am so frum, that everyone is jealous
i say lashon hara all day, lito’eles
i switched tuna bagels for cream cheese and lox
when i see a car on shabbos, i throw at it rocks
if a lady is driving i never yield
when the rebbe throws apples i play left field,
i don’t learn gemara ‘cuz goyim lived in bavel
i cover all my mirrors just in case i’m an avel

chorus
i didn’t look in a thesaurus
so i have no words to put in the chorus
i’ll just tell you more ’bout what a tzaddik i am
all of the mitzvos that i’m mekayem

when i go to the mikvah i turn off the heater
i don’t even know who is derek jeter
and when i go to the mikvah, to make sure it cleanses
i pull out my t–th and take out my lenses
if my wife boils water that’s not badatz
i make her buy a new set of pots
i don’t put chrein on fish, of any species
‘cuz i’m choishesh for bishul, even from kli shlishis
if i see a sheretz i would never touch him
‘cuz when mashiach comes i’ll have to eat kodshim
between fish and meat i drink a bottle of bourbon
i knocked down my whole house, zecher l’churban

chorus
as you can tell, i’m h-ssidic
so i don’t know how to write a lyric
so i’ll just sing, and you’ll get a rush of
respect for me, ‘cuz i’m so chashuv

i stole a diamond ring from my tante bailah
just to be mekayem “vehaishiv es hag’zailah”
i eat chulent yeder murgen, mitt-tug, un nacht
i walk in the ga’as with my oigen farmacht,
i teach my kids that ham is mee’yis
i don’t mish on paiysach, or sikkis, or shvee’is
pesach sheini i use a new set of keilim
i don’t play chess, ‘cuz the king has a tzeilim
i don’t eat marror, ‘cuz i’m choishesh for bugs
when i see my bubby i don’t give her hugs
my shiur for matzah is fifty k’beitzim
i sit down everywhere, that’s not a moishav leitzim

chorus
there’s a goy named boris, but i don’t know him
so he didn’t write for me a poem
instead i got help from a yid named baruch
to write my own chelek of shulchan aruch

when my wife buys a sheitel i pour on it bleach
on the maps in my house i cross out the beach
i daven shiminessra for at least an hour
i wear my koppel when i take a shower
i beat up my kid if he’s not the best in his kittah
everything i do, i do it b’sh-ttah
by reishis hagez i give more than reishis
by aishes chayil i don’t say “aishes”
in the sukkah i make sure to keep my toes in
by the kosel i rip everyone’s hoizen
l’chumrah, i made all my kids become g-yrim
every day i put like ten people in cheirim

chorus
i really didn’t write anything for this one
yada bada booda, something something…
on my phone i have an anti-internet app
and from now on i don’t sing my songs in rap

- dr dreizich

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