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letra de 1-900-score-a-date - deirdre flint

and a few years ago, it was folk musicians. remember that section? lots of ads: wanted, will pay top dollar for folk musicians. so i quit my regular job with benefits and stuff and started really learning, you know, all the chords that you need to be a folk musician, the three chords. and after awhile i was ready. and i quit my job again, and it turns out that the market had completely dried up, that there were no more jobs for folk musicians. but i’d already become accustomed to a pretty decadent lifestyle, which included things like eating twice a week, so i knew i had to supplement my income. and, so i was looking around for a way to do that and, well, i was talking with a friend of mine a couple of months ago. this is kind of odd, i don’t know if this strikes you as strange, but she went on a date… and the guy called back. apparently this happens, i don’t know. so i thought my gosh, how awkward that must be. i mean, you just talked to the guy and then he’s calling you back. and i thought, you know, in the modern society, we don’t really need to feel any emotions we don’t have to. so, why don’t we just — and if anybody wants to talk to me about, you know, investing in this, you know, see me after. why don’t we just have a 900 number, where you can type in your response to the date, and he does the same thing, and then n-body really has to talk to anybody. i thought it was a great idea. so i wrote a song about it, called 1-900-score-a-date. and for this song, i need a man to come up here and read this part. so, and if you could make that decision in less than 10 seconds, that’d be really cool. can i have, anybody out there? okay, come out, you young man, that’s nice, thank you. you know, my mom says i just can’t get men these days. look what i have to resort to, so she’ll be real proud of me. hi, come on over to this mic here. and would you say your name into the mic? [unintelligle mumble] let’s give him a round of applause, thanks. now what you’re gonna do here, is you’re gonna practice while i’m singing this song and i’ll let you know when to come in, okay? all right, you can just sit there and practice, like, to yourself, ok? and i’ll let you know when to come in. okay, so without further ado, i present to you my multi-million dollar idea that i made into a folk song, 1-900-score-a-date.

the date was fine, he thought so too
his last words said were ‘i’ll call you’
so you wait by the phone for days
forsaking all fragments of pride
men, you broke the bank, she had a ball
and now she won’t return your call
till finally her roommate explains the problem
she can’t call you back cause she’s died
that’s the fifth one this month!
you don’t have to live with that humiliation anymore
not here, not now, not with —

1-900-score-a-date
the high-tech way to communicate
give that night a touch-tone rate
with 1-900-score-a-date
live rejection’s so p-sse
get dumped the fiber-optic way
all for just $3.98
it’s 1-900-score-a-date

when you dial 1-900-score-a-date, a host of options are available to you, all carefully crafted to help you avoid any kind of honest communication with the person you just spent the last three hours talking to. you can record your own message and leave it in your date’s mailbox, or choose from our wide variety of pre-recorded messages, ranging in mood from guardedly optimistic to apathetically malevalent. to record your own message, press 1. for a pre-recorded message, press 2. [beep] you chose 2, prerecorded message.

here’s your chance for you to pick
if he’s a prince or he’s a jerk
pick out the quip that’s right for you
from every type and kind
did your date rot, then why not try
our most humane choice: bald-faced lie
make your selection at any time
among these worn-out lines

to stage your own disappearance via alien abduction, press 1.
for i’m sorry, i’m gay, press 2.
for i’m sorry, i’m straight, press 3.
for rare contagious disease, press 4.
to leave some new-age garbage, like ‘i feel we really connected, but i’m just not in a good sp-ce for a relationship right now’, press 5.
to report your date to the local fbi agency nearest you, press 6.
[beep] you chose 4, rare contagious disease. the following message will be left in your date’s mailbox. “h-llo, date 5-9-2-8 had a lovely time. but date 5-9-2-8 has recently been diagnosed with legionnaire’s disease. please do not attempt to contact date 5-9-2-8, as he or she is expecting to have legionnaire’s disease for the next seven years.”

1-900-score-a-date
the high-tech way to communicate
give that night a touch-tone rate
with 1-900-score-a-date

“hi. i just returned from the most amazing date. normally when i dial 1-900-score-a-date, i choose the added feeling of comfort and security i get when choosing a pre-recorded message. but tonight was so very different. i’m leaving a message all my own.” please begin recording at the beep. “hi, john? this is deirdre, well, 5-9-2-8. anyway, i’m just calling to let you know what we both know. tonight our souls connected. tonight i came to know a part of you that you’ve never shown anyone, and you came to know a part of me that i’ve never shown anyone. and i came to know a part of me that i never knew existed, and there was so much knowing going on. never have i felt so alive, and never have my loins felt such a fiery promise of things to come. thank goodness we don’t have to pretend anymore. which is why i’m not afraid to say, johnny, i love you.” end of message — you have mail. “you see, i told you we’re soulmates. it’s like, while i was leaving a message for him, he was leaving a message for me! let’s listen… ”

“hi, uh, deirdre, deirdre? am i pr-nouncing that right? just calling to confirm that, uh, we’re both chuckling about now. what that the date from h-ll or what? never have i felt so at odds with somebody, we had absolutely nothing in common. i’m sure you felt the same way. we couldn’t have picked a worse match if we tried. i wanted to wring your neck! i felt absolutely no s-xual attraction for you whatsover. what are the odds of that happening? but i just wanted to say thank you. our date went so poorly that i called up my ex as soon as i got home, and proposed to her. we’re going ring shopping tomorrow. the thought of having another date like ours has me running… to the altar! well, i guess i’ll go listen to the message that you just left in my box. uh, thanks again, and oh, uh… see you tomorrow at the office!”

1-900-score-a-date
the high-tech way to seal your fate
dial now, no need to wait
it’s 1-900-score-a-date

- deirdre flint

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