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letra de bipolar - clayton jennings

i just wanted to get on here and apologize to anybody that i’ve offended, anybody that i’ve hurt
uh, and i’m talking to my following
i’m not talking about my enemies
but i’m trying to pray for them
i’m just talking to people right now who follow me
so here it goes
and just like the winter, here it snows
and just like my following, there it goes
and just like the spirit, the wind blows
and just like a wordsmith, these words flow
you already know
but i’m not here to tell you i’m a poet with this pen
i’m here to let you feel my pain so you can be my friend
’cause i was walkin’ around like, “point out the bully ’cause they can get hit”
preach jesus one day, the next day middle fingers and spit
you never know which clayton you’re going to get
i guess that would make me split
and when i had a meltdown, a lot of you did
but if the shoe fits, wear it
and if you have a solution, share it
and if you have a contract, tear it
because i’m not coming to speak at your event
i said i was leaving religion, and that’s what i meant
i’ll never leave jesus, it’s always triple j’s till the day i die
but i got hurt by the religious so bad that i wanted to die
and the worse thing i did was let pain become pride
and in my pride, i hurt so many people
my intentions were good, but the outcome was evil
because i became what i hated
bullies bullying others under the steeple
i’ve hurt others but claimed i love people
i wanted vengeance so bad i forgot it was god’s
i puffed up my chest to anyone at odds
i was the lion with fake courage from the wizard of oz
and i pulled back the curtain and showed you my flaws
and thousands of you left
i don’t know how many of you are on the right or the left
i’m just trying to write what is left
and if that’s the case, i gotta get this off my chest
i’m not writing this for your sympathy
i’m not in hopes that letters of encouragement will be sent to me
i’m just trying to tell you what you’ve meant to me
because at my lowest, you’ve encouraged me
i wear my heart on my sleeve like a surgery
and lately, you’ve noticed a surge in me
and if i tell you i’m okay, that would be purgery
because as god as my witness, i’m not
and doctors have tried everything from xanax, klonopin, and pot
and fanatics have prayed that i’d get shot
and naysayers will say i only have fans because i’m hot
and you know what’s disappointing? i’m not
i’ve never once looked in the mirror and liked what i’ve seen
that’s why last year, i got overweight
two and a half men, call me charlie sheen
hair long, hair short, hat this, scarf that
insecure kid in the spotlight trying to feel comfortable where he’s at
and i struck out when i got put up to bat
but my problem is
i either hit a homer or missed the ball
jamie wishes i was home more, that at least i’d call
haters wishing i wasn’t known more, that at least i’d fall
guess what? i already did
i got the ball, and i missed
wanna know my sins? ’cause there’s a list
it could’ve been schindler’s, but it became clayton’s
leading people to jesus while acting like satan
well, speak of the devil, nah, i’d rather not
keep writing this, nah, i’d rather stop
these are the poems i hate the most
trick-or-treat, here, look at my ghosts
we treat social media like a follow is a vote
two things that don’t fit like apollo and a boat
i have a blue checkmark, wait, you don’t?
yuck, get away from me
social media is nothing that it claims to be
a way to connect? no, a way to behave satanly
it’s all a joke that i don’t laugh at
and if your roach is laced, then please don’t pass that
i got slandered and lied about, and i couldn’t get passed that
i was dying on the inside, and i couldn’t mask that
lies about my family, i wanted to attack that
this head on my shoulders, i wanted to blast that
because i was being harassed
online liars, so many times that i’ve been trashed
and my celebrity friends just laugh
because they get it all the time
but are they bullied by the same guy who bullied a kid till he died?
’cause he almost k!lled me, or at least he tried
and not in person but with slanderous lies
and at times, i just wished i’d get cancer and die
i was humiliated, and the witch hunt began
i’ve probably smiled if i’ve shook your hand
but, man, oh, man, on the inside, i’ve been dying
jamie found me curled up in the bathtub crying
she asked if she should call 911
and i said, “i’m fine, it’s done”
“what’s done?”, she said
i just wanted to be dead
i thought about a quick bullet to the head
but i decided to fight for my marriage and my daughter instead
like shelf my problems, hang on ’cause it’s full steam ahead
and i ran right back into the same pain
and the nametag on my shirt had the same name
what’s wrong with me?!
paranoid around everyone like i think they’re onto me
i was stuck in my head, night terrors in bed
friends concerned they’d find me dead
a loose cannon with nothing to shoot with
like a rim with no ball, i had nothing to hoop with
and you might listen to my poetry ’cause you love it
or you might think that it’s stupid
then why are you listening? cupid
hate and love are really similar
jamie loves my mom, so she went to her
clayton is all over the place, it’s like he’s being haunted
they were worried about my life, i was worried about content
i gotta make that next video or write that next poem
i keep posting like i can’t keep you alone
maybe it’s because i don’t like to be alone
ever think about that?
i feel connected to you like an online chat
i say tell the world family, yo where are you at?
we used to fill rooms all over the map
’cause i used to get book offers tossed in my lap
then i walked right into a trap
where are y’all at?
are you still there? do you still care?
delilah cut the locks, and it’s not fair
but oh well, i’m not here to talk about that
i’m here to talk about this
imagine me holding up that list
and the page is empty and all it says is
“i’m sorry
to the people i’ve hurt
to the people i’ve ignored
to the people i’ve never called back
to the people i never text back
to the people who wrote me but i never read that
i’m sorry”
honestly, i don’t know why i try to push people away
i get excited when i see a soul saved
but i’ll cut them out of my life right after we’ve prayed
and if they come for me, then i throw shade
and some secrets people better hope i take to the grave
and, i will
time k!lls, cheap thrills, see me k!lled
and there’s a reason i always talk about my death
four years left
you’d understand if you listened to my poetry
some of us have never met, but you know me
and i know you
that’s why when i post poetry, i get views
because somehow these words connect to you
and that came from me, so now we’re connected together
i’ve treated you like dirt, but you’re to be treasured
i’m sorry to the people i’ve hurt
i’m sorry to the people i haven’t
because truth is, i don’t know what’s going to keep me from another manic episode
wait, hold the phone, did he just say manic episode?
why am i pretending someone is talking to me?
man, i’ve been sharing these demos audibly
but somehow it just turns into applause for me
i’m literally telling you i’m bipolar
phew, that’s a weight off my shoulders
it explains a lot of my past
it revealed a lot of my trash
and then i started understanding this from that
and for the first time in years, i’m okay with where i’m at
i’m understanding the ups from the downs
i’m understanding who to keep at a distance and who to keep around
i’m understanding, and that’s a first
doctors say i’ll have this till the he-rs-
pastors say they’ll just pray it away as if it’s a curse
well, we’ll see which works
i got a lot of plans in the works
and the biggest job i have coming up
is healing my family
and all the damage that’s been done to me
and all the damage i’ve done to others
no more nightmares in covers
no more f-you to others
no more setting her aside as if i don’t love her
it’s gotta stop
please just leave me alone, please
i’m talking to the voices, and they tell me their needs
a beautiful mind, i’m alone in these streets
pigeon this and pigeon that
flying around until this pigeon got trapped
i used to bump dirk in the trap
now i gotta family, and i’d never leave this for that
but sometimes i do wish that i could go back and do it again
i wish i knew why i had racing thoughts and what it all meant
i wish i knew why sometimes i couldn’t get out of bed but other days i couldn’t get in it
i wish i knew why i made promises as if i meant it
i wish i knew and i wish i had known
i wish i had known why i turned manic when i’m alone
i wish i had known why i could talk about jesus one day and spit on him the next
i wish i had known why my vice was always s-x
i wish i had known and i wish i knew
why every hope and terror i had came true
i blew up and then blew up
i smiled and then threw up
you’ve been with me for years, and you’ve watched me grow up
and right now, it’s time for me to act like a grownup
i’m sorry for the blowup
you treated me like topsoil, i treated you like dirt
not in person or to your face
but i’ve been two-faced
i don’t mean i’ve gossiped about you because i’m usually a vault
but when accused of crazy things i’ll callout who’s at fault
liable online feels like assault
especially when it comes from people who claim to be sought
or so they say
eliminate my enemies or so i pray
and only god can touch my heart and take the unforgiveness away
but then again, i pray things and they come true right out of the blue
so i believe in god, and not just for that
’cause somehow he always seems to know where i’m at
and i thank him for that
because he never let me go
i can’t imagine the debt i owe
and i know it’s paid in full because of the cross
but i’m ashamed of my behavior and the pain that i’ve caused
sometimes i question my calling of reaching the lost
i look up at heaven like i’m teaching [to boast?]
and at what cost? my soul?
writing this poetry never gets old
it’s my release
it’s peace, and peace is what i need
so peace to you, it’s time to leave
but war to you, here i come
bipolar with this poetry, lawsuits and rum
robbers grab suits and then they run
pastors wear shoes that cost them a ton
and they earned it
because at least [rich and carl?] called me when i was suicidal
and you people build up people and then tear down your idols
you call out pastors in churches as if we’re all rivals
stop calling out specks when you got an eyeful
so even to them, thank you for texting and calling
jamie saw what you two said, and she started bawling
thank you, and i’m sorry
to everyone else, thank you, and i’m sorry
and i’m sorry, and thank you
you say the words i have said somehow saved you
so thank you, and i’m sorry, and i’d like to praise you
you stuck with me when we went through a storm but we made it through
i’m talking to my personalities, i’m not talking to you
thank you, and i’m sorry
i wish i could stay
but i’m bipolar, and god made me this way

- clayton jennings

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