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letra de ...gay! [with commentary] - boris the sprinkler

rev. nørb: well all right, teenage hipsters, communist sympathizers, and tax cheats! that’s been another technically flawless boris the sprinkler performance, hosted by-

monologue droid: ahh, human punk f-ck, get the f-ck off the stage. your fifteen minutes of fame expired something like twenty minutes ago

rev. nørb: great day in the morning! it’s the monologue droid from the group s-x cd! what gives, mac?! you were only contracted for one personal appearance!

monologue droid: i beg to differ, you useless, carbon-based piece of sh-t. no one here wants to listen to your played-out radio announcer schtick. go back to the bowels of wisconsin from whence you came. i, the monologue droid from the naboo system, now known as handsome droid manitobot, am large and in charge at this point in time

rev. nørb: this is a highly unethical breach of contract, even for a member of the naboo system!

handsome droid manitobot: you are utterly insipid, even by caucasian standards. don’t make me get out the vulcan rectal thermometer

rev. nørb: very well, cyborg, but you’ll pay! oh, how you’ll pay! [exits]

manitobot: [to audience] okay, promiscuous and developmentally disabled kiddies. now that the booger-eating moron from sp-ce has been dispensed with, it’s time for you to rotate your pre-p-b-scent pelvis with your new host and on-air personality, uncle handsome. and let this serve notice that uncle handsome now has the power, the droid with the power of the hour. and when the manitobot says “go,” then they go, and then you party

handsome droid says one. handsome droid says two. handsome droid says one, two, one-two-three-four-

[“motherf-cker are you ready to rock?” plays, sans monologue]

manitobot: is that your final answer?

[“y-v-v-vette” plays]

manitobot: wow, that song almost didn’t suck. the fact that it was camouflaged so well as a devil dogs rip-off will probably completely obscure the fact that it was actually a revillos “motorbike beat” rip-off

up next is a song about rev. nørb’s p-n-s, entitled, “no longer.”

[“no longer” plays]

manitobot: h-m-m. all that song needs is more lame male lesbian vocals and it could pass as something off of the second undertones album. oh happy f-cking day

this next song is another song about rev. nørb’s p-n-s, entitled, “i don’t really want to walk to taco bell without you.”

[“i don’t really want to walk to taco bell without you” plays]

manitobot: that was very touching. perhaps if he dated girls old enough to have a driver’s license, they wouldn’t have to walk

this next song is some type of bullsh-t english street punk number. oh, i’m sorry, that was redundant. regardless, it is called, “london dogs.”

[“london dogs” plays]

manitobot: wowzers, are they ever maintaining their cred. the handsome one is almost beside himself in near–rg-smic palpatation. lap the dribble of working class pre-cum from my erect member, you chelsea girl inflatable love slave
this next tune is a song about what passes for a beach in the misbegotten h-ll pit of green bay, and is called, “all the kids want to go to bay beach.” which is true, as long as you’re dealing with the ten-and-under crowd. which they probably are

[“all the kids want to go to bay beach” plays]

manitobot: i will shoot a photon torpedo up each band member’s ass individually if they ever insert another steve miller rip-off into another one of their songs

the next song is dedicated to all the ladies old enough to have a little grass on the playing field, and it it called, “shave it.” it also goes out to pete hayes’ moustache

[“shave it” plays]

manitobot: [?]? i f-cked him. ho

the next song was written by paul #1 and starts out with the line, “sitting at home, nothing to do,” which is also the first line in his song, “scratch my yahtzee.” this man obviously writes what he knows

[“i fell” plays]

manitobot: shut up. the handsome one has not yet given you permission to speak

this next tune has something to do with cosmatology, but i am not sure what. it’s called, “bang trim.”

[“bang trim” plays]

manitobot: these songs keep getting worse. i didn’t believe that could be possible

this next little ditty is called, “huff puff,” but has nothing at all to do with drugs, and it starts with mister ronny jonny kispert, who also has nothing at all to do with drugs

[“huff puff” plays]

manitobot: oh yeah, baby, rock it like the fat guy on sha na na.

this next song is so g-y, it makes me want to stick the [?] piston rods up my puckered, carbon 14 sphincter. i don’t even know what the f-ck it’s called, nor do i overly care

[“train song train song yeah yeah yeah” plays]

manitobot: it’s a good thing this announcer’s gig keeps me well stocked in cocaine [?], because listening to this half-baked donkey [?] is reminding me altogether too much of when i used to work in the kitchen at magic wok, emptying the colostomy bags

[“girl like poison” plays for thirty seconds]

manitobot: okay, f-ck it, uncle handsome says cut the music. i cannot [?] on this fourth-rate swill any longer

let’s try the next song. it’s got to be better, as there is no mathematical possibility that it could be any worse

[“i’m all nerves” plays]

manitobot: i think that song should be called, “i’m all nerd,” as “nerd” is most definitely the word in this case

however, it is now time for you to rejoice in a fancy, warm puddle of your own urine, as we have come to the last song in this h-llish carnival of horse sh-t. for what it’s worth, this is the boris song title that is worth the least amount of points in scrabble. big f-cking whoop

[“i” plays]

manitobot: all right, jet boys and jet girls, jet moms and jet dads, jet grandmas and jet granddads, jet great grandmas and jet great granddads, etcetera. that’s been some f-cking useless piece-of-cr-p boris the sprinkler album or another, hosted by the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, handsome droid manitobot, and-

manitobot’s wife: godd-mnit, larry, come home this instant

manitobot: baby, what are you doing here? i thought you were on rigel 7

manitobot’s wife: the simbot bowling tournament was postponed for seven lunar cycles. now come home and stop making an ass out of yourself

manitobot: but baby, i’m handsome droid manitobot. i am the handsomest droid in rock and roll

manitobot’s wife: you’re a loser, larry. you haven’t had a steady job since the circle jerks tribute record

manitobot: but baby, don’t i f-cks ya good?

manitobot’s wife: yeah, right. you’ve got all the s-xual aptitude of a can opener and none of the personality

manitobot: but i’m hung like a tuba

manitobot’s wife: you’re hung like paul #2

manitobot: but i induce -rg-sms in you that cause you to produce sounds like ronny jonny kispert’s pager going off. “handsome d-ck, handsome d-ck, handsome d-ck, bloopity-bloopity-bloop.”

manitobot’s wife: you schmuck, i do not make bloopity-bloopity-bloop noises when i cum. i make a noise similar to that of a cd player when the disc reaches the end

oh look, there’s rev. nørb. only he can satisfy me. hey tall dark and antlered, how about some artificial insemination?

rev. nørb: heck, i’m game!

manitobot’s wife oh yes. oh baby. land o’ goshen. -rg-sm is imminent. ah. ah. ah

[cd ends]

- boris the sprinkler

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