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letra de farewell, spaceman (pt. 2) - ams

[verse 1: ams]

i followed the first star that swooned me to roam/
sub-zero cool, calm, paranoid, alone, so far from home/
tight maintenance to manage, proper shape and ordinance/
log my fears and insecurities aside complex coordinates/
but isn’t this what i wanted? solitude infinitesimal/
a testament to the tests i mastered, death inside the decimals/
a goal without self-reward, pinnacles to never be reached/
the cacophony of dead silences, where my nightmares never cease/
i save my composure for mission control/
the disembodied, short-wave voice of reason that reminds me of the importance of my role/
with countdowns to a date that seems to approach slowly/
and an unfeeling manila-missive that reads “for your eyes only”/
the fateful day in zulu time, clock reaches in pensive pace/
bloodshot eyes on dreadful ides, pandora’s box dissected and traced/
hands sweating, seal broken, unholy thoughts overturned/
and the gravely voice of authority asking me to confirm/
eyes dart over blowout diagrams, reload times and ammunition/
emergency overheat procedures, purpose and use decisions/
resistance coefficients, scope for offensive readiness in missions/
model revisions and estimated casualties based on target-hit precisions/
(this must be a mistake) falsehood of diplomatic efforts/
28 years of attempted perfection, and an impeccable record/
reduced to million dollar triggerman, taking orders as hollow route/
the understanding of how and why reduced to the want for follow through/
every solid idea is now brittle brick crumbling/
the janky broken tune of progress, broken-legged baby steps stumbling/
the empty hope for something greater cast aside/
they again demanded i confirm (i cannot comply, your order is denied)/
i had enough of knowing my place, rank and file, staying in line/
the odd sp-ce between their budgets and which choices were actually mine/
the conscience in the balance, and what the figureheads lacked/
the brilliant flash of life extinguished, and vapid pats on the back/
i heard the whispered panic; they watched the meters as the figures changed/
a hasty suicidal re-entry, metrics re-arranged/
sp-rs- spatter of pinhole lights cascading through tempered gl-ss/
as i found the purpose of my past efforts in the milliseconds to burn past/
tumble end-over-end, falling into gravity’s cradle/
smile at the hull breach alarm, temperature rising unstable/
a final flash of the unknown, cast n0bly from afar/
as this m-ss of self-sacrifice bursts into wish upon a falling star/
(i won’t)//

- ams

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