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letra de bident [diptych 2] - waldfield

it’s time for the second half
after i left the grand hearin’, feelin’ like atticus finch
already makin’ plans to bone half of the people on the bench
i started to cold reminisce
wonderin’ how my life ended up like this
well yeah, back in ’99, researchin’ at the library
ways for me to end the life of my satanic adversary
book after book, scannin’ page after page
turnin’ down the girls who flirted just so i could concentrate
and then i finally find it
i have to stab him in the eyeb-lls with his own bident
man, it sounds tough, but i guess i gotta try it
i’ve seen where he hides it, by his poster of miley cyrus
i call that fool when i get back
(are you callin’ to apologize?) nah, i want my 8-tracks
put ’em in a bag and i’ll be there around four
i ride to h-ll on the back of his manticore
aimin’ it straight for the window of his home
i jump down and roll out just a moment before it explodes
and there he is, it’s the old deluder
doesn’t even see me cause he’s looking at his computer
i grab his spear and shove it straight for his back, yo
it goes right through him, i was stabbin’ at his shadow
he’s right behind me in his true form
i guess i shouldn’t have called that fool up earlier to warn ‘im
i spun around and tried to stab him for the second time
but he’d put a curse on me, weakening body and mind
arms like spaghetti, can’t keep holding the bident
i tried to scream out but my voice was silent
so i made for the door, all tryna retreat
but i didn’t have the strength to even stay on my feet
satan started laughin’ like he’d soon be endin’ me
there’s only one way for me to get back my energy
i’d have to suck my own d-ck
but my neck was too weak to lift my head off the carpet
(“d-mn, now what was i to do?”)
then i remembered, i could cast a curse too
i put one on him that would reduce his speed
and on myself the curse of immortality
so i could cut off my head and it’d still have autonomy
rolled it toward my d-ck and let myself go down on me
soon i was restored to full power
but given satan’s speed i had at least another quarter hour
so i did it again, again and again
’til my headless corpse was glowin’ like a super saiyan
i gave him a blast that exploded him to pieces
coating the walls with his giblets and feces
phew, i guess i finally dealt with him forever
but then i saw the pieces slowly slidin’ back together
oh yeah, all the research i did
i start scannin’ all the pieces to see which ones the eyeb-lls is
pick up his bident, stab ’em like eleven times
(“you’s a dead m-th-f-cka”) now h-ll is mine

waldfield

i rule over his dominion for a couple of centuries
sittin’ on his throne while i hold my head next to me
forcin’ all my minions to have s-x with me
but it ain’t stressin’ me, because i had a vasectomy
this job has got some perks, but the work starts to bother me
levyin’ the taxes, and draftin’ foreign policy
and all those meetings that i have to attend
i spend the time watchin’ the clock, like, when will this end
man, i could give a f-ck if h-ll is runnin’ at a profit
how about y’all have a bake sale, and i’ll bomb it
i can’t get why satan wanted this gig
i start to miss earth, and teachin’ the kids
satan, you want it, you can have your h-ll back
i go up to his room and cold resurrect his -ss
i’m done, and i’ma make a clean break
i put my head on my neck, and secure it with tape
back to earth with me, back to teachin’ all the teens
until one day, when a committee wants to see me

- waldfield

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